Still Only Friday

Wow, must be a slow day out there if everyone’s already checked out my blog today for some reason. Sorry guys, I was kinda busy earlier with the people who will effectively be running my life for the next six months (no, sadly not the board of directors at E!). I am done with finals, though, so at least there’s that.

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS!

1. G-Force
2. Funny People
3. Harry Potter & The Haunted Groove Machine
4. The Collector
5. The Ugly Truth

Lot of toss-ups there, but I’m pretty sure people want to see Judd Apatow’s new movie, and I’m pretty sure everyone already saw Harry Potter at that midnight release, so, yeah. Also, I’m betting that guinea pigs are still hilarious, and people love things that are hilarious. Of course, after last week’s guesses, I’m not really in a position to be predicting anything proper.

Sometimes I forget what movies are altogether.

You know what’s not gonna be number one, though? Fucking “Aliens in the Attic”. Jesus. Have you even seen anything about this movie? Apparently it opens this weekend to whatever crowd has actually heard of it, and it stars one Ashley Tisdale (of High School Musical fame), Carter Jenkins (of a single episode of “House” and single episode of “The 4400” fame) and is directed by the guy who brought us “Like Mike” and “The Honeymooners” catastrophes. And it’s got a bunch of CGI things like G-Force, too. Man, this movie has it all! Judd Apatow really should’ve gotten on this bandwagon instead of the parallel “Seth Rogen Bandwagon” that he seems to be currently riding.

Somehow this is not supposed to be "G-Force". And for the record, "They Came From Upstairs" is going on that list of shittiest taglines ever.

All right. See you guys Monday.

Still… Only Wednesday

So, I’m about half-way done with finals here, which means I’m just that much closer to resuming a normal schedule (provided that the company that hired me doesn’t actually want me to work). I did get to finish the Simon Pegg brit-com series “Spaced” recently, and it’s pretty damn good. If you’ve never seen any Pegg before, obviously I’m just gonna suggest you rent “Shaun of the Dead” or “Hot Fuzz”, because they’re much easier to digest than the 14 episode series.

So, I’ll have to catch up more with you guys on Friday, but if you haven’t seen it, make sure to check out Jon Stewart’s interview with Bill Kristol (from Monday’s Daily Show). Pretty good stuff.

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Still Only Monday

Hey everyone, taking a break from homework here to get back to you on those box office results. Really, this whole finals week thing hurts me more than it hurts you. But nobody’s hurting as much as the people who paid to see “G-Force” this weekend.

1. G-Force (2)
2. Harry Potter (1)
3. The Ugly Truth (x)
4. Orphan (x)
5. Ice Age 3 (x)

Wow, I can honestly say that I’ve never done worse in predicting the results, although I’m tempted to blame the bad luck on the same celestial alignment that caused “G-Force” to come in #1 this weekend. $31 million, G-Force? Really? Fuck.

I mean, I saw “Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li” this weekend, and that was very, very bad, but at least it didn’t have talking guinea pigs. Ugh. I’m so disappointed with you, universe! You better make it up to me with A’s on my finals. Or money. One of the two.

90 Day Review

Afternoon, everyone. How’s about a regular post for once? Let’s go with some box office predictions, followed by a harrowing tale.

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS!

1. Harry Potter and the Well of Mystery
2. G-Force
3. Bruno
4. Transformers 2: Mr. Magoo
5. The Ugly Truth

Yes, with the unleashing of the government’s latest weapon of mass destruction (G-Force), I’m predicting that Ice Age will fall out of the top 5, or at least down to number five depending on how many people decide to waste their money on the new romantic comedy “The Ugly Truth”. “(500) Days of Summer” and “The Hurt Locker” remain in limited release, so naturally they won’t factor into the equation. So, all in all, you have HP and Bruno rounding out the probably-semi-decent movies, and three sure-failures, with “G-Force” releasing as the greatest insult to film since… well I guess only since “Transformers 2”, but still. EVERYBODY LOVES TALKING GUINEA PIGS!!!!!!!

Remember when "G Force" were the Guardians of Space?

Last Sunday I had the terrible misfortune of choosing to attend a Chicagoland “Wedding Expo” that was held at the Doubletree Hotel up in Oakbrook. I’ve been to expos before, and I know how they work. No matter how much interest you have in the type of expo, they will all inevitably be terrible times for a couple reasons. Even when I went to E3 (and, you know, I really like video games), it was ultimately ruined by: millions of people shouting loudly in your ear and stealing precious oxygen from your breathing room, idiotic and apathetic booth reps that cannot answer your questions but corner you and demand you ask them anyway, and the general lack of understanding on the part of both the companies and the establishment that the people who are attending are indeed people (however loud and obnoxious they may be), and should be accommodated for as such. This wedding expo was no different, except for that they decided to hold the entire thing in a couple hallways of a hotel which forced the thousands of unwed to crawl over each other as they attempted to survive.

I mean, like, you know those attractions at museums that pretty much just force you to walk as a group of people in a line along a path while some guy on a speaker educates you on the history of earthworms or the future of electronics or something? It was like that, but with the essence of chaos filling in for the guy on the speaker.

The brides-to-be were all forced to adorn stickers that read, "V.I.B". No effort was spared to completely demean and demoralize all in attendance.

Really, though, it’s not even that simple. Pretty much every one of the thousands of brides-to-be (and to be fair, the half dozen guys who decided to get roped in to going) were attending because they had absolutely no idea what a wedding was and figured that this was the place to be to find out. Also, they were attending to take part in the giant raffle to win a free trip to somewhere. It is very, very sad how wrong they all were for thinking that this was the place to be for either of those things. When you walk in, you’re given a card with the names of the 100 or so booths on the back, and a spot next to each name for the booth attendant to sign. You see, in order to enter into the raffle, you have to get 80% of the booth attendants’ signatures. This means that even though you don’t want to talk to some douchebag about how awesome a DJ he is, you have to otherwise he won’t sign your card.

This is a very real photograph of the DJ in the middle of his speech. Obviously I had to use my camera to prove that I had indeed endured this.

Sam and I wasted about an hour with this bullshit until we just walked the fuck out, disposing of the card and most of the pamphlets we were handed in the nearest receptacle. Seriously guys: if you are ever in the position where you are getting married and think that you might be able to find some sort of vendors or information at one of these wedding expos, BE FOREWARNED! You will not, and you will also lose large portions of your soul in the process.

This is the lobby of the hotel at which I'm getting married, by the by. Drinks will be served here free of charge for a FULL HOUR.

Next week is my last week of school before I am A) out of school for a month, and B) going to be starting work again. Unfortunately this means that I won’t really have a break to get back into the full swing of blogging for you guys, nor will I have much of a break to catch up on movies. Maybe though, just maybe, my new job will be horrible enough for me to be able to share some exciting stories with you. Cross your fingers!

Two Things

Okay, two things:

1) Sorry for whatever happened with the posting of my post on Monday. I posted it around 2:30pm and then returned to my computer around midnight to see some sort of “server error” displayed on my monitor, and I had to “resubmit my information”, so I think the post actually ended up going through around midnight.

2) Again you were deprived the privilege of reading my planned post because for a GREAT NUMBER of inconvenient misfortunes (most of which involving the long arm of the law), I was detained for a large amount of time today and could not post my blog proper. I am kind of a stickler for responsibility, so this post (although desperately meaningless) shall be submitted like an actual blog, even though by this point you realize that this could not be further from reality.

I do apologize, which is something I seldom say, and even more seldom mean. Should I get the chance I will attempt to post the blog I’ve been meaning to post all week later today, and at the very latest this weekend.

I have read other blogs before, and I think I’ll steal a workable device from them that has always left an impression on me: it’s finals week, and I’m really busy.

Sorry again.

Sincerely,

The Glass City

J.F. Bierlein Ruined This Post

Really sorry guys, I had a whole blog post planned with pictures and everything but I’ll have to do that tomorrow or at the very latest Wednesday because I am late for things. LATE! I know, though, I still have my responsibilities and I never miss a beat (like the kids on the street), so, here we go:

BOX OFFICE RESULTS!

1. Harry Potter
2. Ice Age
3. Transformers
4. Bruno
5. The Proposal

Well, although HP did beat Transformer’s midnight numbers, it only managed to net in $158m over the five day span, which is still respectable but not quite what I was hoping for. Well, neither was the movie itself in that respect. And why the hell is “The Proposal” still in the top 5? Jesus. Anyway, yeah, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”: C+.

OK, I’ll have to continue this post tomorrow or Wednesday, because seriously, dude, I’m totally late.

You Know How It Goes

Sorry everyone in advance for what will be a very short post this Friday (as prophesied on Wednesday), because as it turns out, I am really busy today. I spent the majority of my morning and afternoon in downtown Chicago wrestling the great Bull of Heaven (the Circuit Court) in the arena of the Gods (Daley Plaza). The reasons for this are MYSTERIOUS and FRIGHTENING, and sadly I cannot disclose them to you at this time. Try me September 14th.

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS!

1. Harry Potter and the Chestnut of Doom
2. Bruno
3. Ice Age III
4. Transformers Part 2
5. Public Enemies

Seems simple enough, and I’m pretty sure this is a safe bet. I woulda put “500 Days of Summer” on there, but it’s only in limited release for now.

OKAY see you guys Monday. See? Told you it’d be a short post. Oh, and a picture.

This kid (specifically) and all his bretheren are sure to be in line with me tomorrow. Yikes.

Week-end Pre-view

Hey everyone, did you see “Harry Potter VI” last night? No? Well I’m sure you know somebody who did, because it had a record-setting $22.2 million gross for Wednesday night. Yes, handily beats “Transformers 2”, and naturally (because it’s record-setting and all) beat “The Dark Knight” for most money on a Wednesday midnight opening thing. This bodes well for it being on track to overtake Transformers’ five-day gross of $200m, which I’m quite all right with.

This one takes place in a cave.

What I’m NOT all right with, is my teacher and this kid in my world mythology class talking about Harry Potter for an hour and a half today. I’m wasn’t all right with it when they did it for Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Ghostbusters, Blazing Saddles, and The Wizard of Oz, and I’m not all right with it now. Thank God I only have four more of those classes. And only two more Harry Potter films.

What else is going on… oh, I guess they’re making another “Scream” movie with or without Wes Craven. Hopefully the Wayans’ pick it up if Craven turns it down.

Don't rent this movie. Don't rent its sequels. Don't see the new one when it comes out, unless Marlon Wayans is in it.

Also, weird bit of LOST news. I guess this producer Anthony Spinner claims to have pitched the premise for the television show way back in 1977. His concept was pretty much identical to the concept that ABC pitched to Damon and Carlton, before, you know, they completely abandoned the concept to focus on their own mythological storyline. The complaint that Spinner filed alleges that most of the same characters are in the show that he originally pitched, including a doctor and a hunter. Now, I can totally believe that ABC sat on this concept for however many years and then finally decided to give it a try, but it doesn’t really matter, considering that the direction that the show actually went in was entirely in the hands of Lindelof, Cuse, and (for a brief time) Abrams who didn’t consult in any manner whatsoever with ABC producers. What makes MORE sense (especially to LOST fans like [presumably] you and I) is that this is merely some more interesting viral marketing cooked up by the writers. You know, 1977 and all. Wouldn’t that be much more interesting than some guy who’s actually suing for legitimate-ish reasons?

What does that concept say about The Swan again?

OK, see you guys Friday IF I HAVE TIME. Busy day, Friday. At the very least I’ll post my predictions.

…But I Will Win The War

In a stunning display of character, Americans everywhere have finally knocked “Transformers 2” to its computer generated knees, making its huge success relatively short-lived.

1. Brüno
2. Ice Age 3
3. Transformers 2
4. Public Enemies
5. The Proposal

So, not only did “Transformers” lose another 50% of its previous week’s gross ($24m), but it got sorely beat by upstart comedian Sacha Baron Cohen’s biopic ($30m). While the reviews for Brüno have been less than stellar, I’m sure it’s most likely more worth your money than anything else up there on the big board (with the possible exception of “Public Enemies”, which I’m sure is decent enough).

This week’ll bring an end to all that, though, because “Harry Potter VI” opens on Wednesday. Apparently the pre-sale tickets have outpaced those of “Transformers”, which is reassuring. That series is nothing if not consistent, and I’m hoping its five-day gross tops the $201m set by Michael Bay. Also opening this weekend is the sure-to-be-sleeper-hit “500 Days of Summer”, which is like this year’s Juno or something. Honestly I still don’t really know anything about the movie, but it seems like it’s aiming for the artsy lovelorn college student demographic, which pretty much excludes me, right? I might check it out when it comes out on video, and it’s certainly gotta be better than most of the movies that have been hitting theaters this summer, but I’m not that desperate.

TOTALLY adorable.

I’d like to have another movie review for you guys this week, but I’ve been on a sort of sabbatical from films lately (with the exception of “Umberto D.” last week and for some reason “Kung Fu Panda” on Saturday), mainly because I’ve been doing things and also watching TV series on DVD. Right now I’m in the middle of Simon Pegg’s brit-com (is brit-com a preexisting abbreviation?) “Spaced”, and that’s going well enough. I’ve actually all but given up on movies for July, keeping in mind that I usually rebound in August and in that particular month I don’t even have school. Watch out, contestants! You may win this battle, but etc.

See you guys Wednesday.

Notarized

Hey everyone. Can’t help but feel the pressure starting to build here as for the first time I will attempt to correctly guess the Top 5 at the box office for two weeks straight. I tend to thrive under pressure, though. Friends who know me best will attest that in situations of extreme importance, I will not typically run away in a tizzy, arms flailing whilst shrieking like a bat being put through the rinse cycle in a washing machine. No, it’s quite the opposite.

1. Ice Age 3
2. Transformers 2
3. Brüno
4. Public Enemies
5. The Proposal

Weird list, I know, but if I’m certain about anything it’s that Bruno will be the dominating comedy this weekend (sorry, “I Love You Beth Cooper”). Also, speaking of Beth Cooper, INTERESTING FACT! Apparently the whole thing is based on the actual high school I went to, and the community college I’m currently attending. Seriously. Writer Larry Doyle attended Buffalo Grove HS and Harper College, and decided to make the high school in the movie Buffalo Glenn High School, and refers to Harpers College. VERY CLEVER, DOYLE! Thinly veiled as it may be, I can’t help but feel extremely disgusted by all this. Not only did we start seeing trailers for this movie way the fuck back in February leading up to it’s 5 month advertising campaign, but now I gotta deal with this bullshit about it taking place in Buffalo Grove? F that jazz; that’s a sure-fire way for me to give a preliminary grade on a movie. Final grade before I see it (which I never will): F. Oh, and just in case you were wondering what happens to film majors who attend Harper, apparently they go on to make “I Love You Beth Cooper”. Inspired may be the best word to describe the emotion I will never feel again.

Better prepare to add ONE more item to that long list of achievements.

My Power Pt, just in case you were wondering, went off without a hitch and I have now resigned to never use the damned program again. It’s not that I hate flashy wipe animations for block text, or dissolve page transitions; it’s just that I hate any sort of program that glorifies the act of presenting something. For this, I take 50pts. away from Microsoft. 50 POWER pts.

There is no excuse for this sort of behavior.

See you guys Monday with the recap.