So, I was on the internet the other day, which is rather uncharacteristic of me because usually when I go to my laptop, the last thing I want to be reminded of is how much my blog exists. Well, that’s not true, the last thing I want to be reminded of is the existence of deadly centipedes. It’s ALWAYS centipedes.
It's very possible that I do not know what centipedes are.
But, anyway, I was on the internet and I noticed that my brother (my REAL-LIFE brother, not, like, a brother from another mother, or a cousin from another… I forget the saying, exactly) has an honest-to-god BLOG up. Bullshit, right? So, I read it (over the course of several days, considering it’s a 2500 page epic), and I thought, man, what’s up with this bullshit? Then I thought back on all of my old MySpace blog posts (which are safely hidden away from the internet and secured on my laptop now… which is another reason I fear my laptop) and how clever they used to be, and I thought, I can still be clever, goddamit! And so, I have no choice but to fully review my brother’s blog, “Welcome to L.A…. A New Way to Practice”:
So, he starts out generously enough by lying to us, promising “…I don’t intend on posting a lot in this initial post, as my thoughts are already overwhelmingly flooding my mind and I can’t fathom where to begin.” What then follows is what Microsoft Word likes to refer to as “and 846-word document”, or what my English teacher used to call “about 5 pages short of the seven-page essay requirement”. Really, Ryan? You don’t intend on posting a lot? That’d be like me starting off my blogs with “I don’t intend on insulting anyone here,” which I’ve been advised not to do on several occasions for legal reasons.
He then goes on to describe in great detail his plight, not dissimilar to that of H.R. Haldeman’s, or say, that guy from the Karate Kid movies (Miyagi). In short, he lives in L.A.
Jackie Chan is also Miyagi sometimes.
Then we’re treated to a bit of a break from realizing how horrible California is all the time, with a short story on how he practices the clarinet. I was under the impression that the thing about musical instruments was that you didn’t need to practice them. Like, at all. Like one day you just drag your keyboard or guitar (but never keytar) on stage and just rock it out for millions of paying fans. Needless to say, I was a bit dismayed and frightfully bewildered as to just what it was he was talking about. FORTUNATELY we are provided with a video that explains EVERYTHING. Well, I mean, maybe it does. I started playing the YouTube file and against a backdrop of an elderly man wailing on the clarinet there is bright yellow blocked text that jams itself in your face. The text reads “CLARIPERU” in striking and insistent lettering, and as you reel from this attack you suddenly realize that the video you are about to watch is subtitled in some sort of language. Now, while this alone was enough to keep me from watching the video, I was also heavily distracted by how much the word CLARIPERU seems like CLARIPU which HAS TO BE some sort of POKEMON.
Is this the elusive and deadly CLARIPU?
Anyway, long-story short, he now knows how to practice the clarinet.
While I’m obligated to be happy and supportive of my brother at all times, I will not sit idly by and let his blog specifically and prejudicially attack my blog here at The Glass City. My forefathers wouldn’t stand for it (with their blogs), and neither will I.
Oh yes, the war is indeed on. A lot of you may be asking, “why”? Why are you so virtuous? Well the answer used to be good genes, but now that my brother has an award-winning blog, I don’t even know what to think. All I know is what my gut tells me, and aside from it telling me that 30 days straight of Ramen noodles has been an awesome idea, it’s telling me that I cannot let this whole blog thing stand.
Only time will tell who shall be the victor. Well, time and me. I will be the victor.
I have no idea what's going on in this poster. All I know is that I want to win.
The Glass City 