Boy, I sure hope you like doing other all-American things than going to the movies on big holidays, because this weekend is so ripe with sub-average movies that getting your money’s worth over the next three days seems nearly impossible.
I’ve been told recently that “Night at the Museum” (the first one) wasn’t all that bad, you know, if you’re bringing the family to go see something, which is all well and good and seems to put it on the level of any family movie starring The Rock. And by that standard, “Night at the Museum II” should be on par with whatever “The Game Plan 2” would look like. Furthermore, it’s directed by Shawn Levy, who can only do shitty semi-family comedies, including: “Big Fat Liar”, “Just Married”, the “Pink Panther” remake, and the “Cheaper By the Dozen” remake. He’s now directing a new film and has three others in pre-production. Fucking fantastic. “Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian” (or NatMBotS, or Nattom Bots) also stars Amy Adams, Hank Azaria, Christopher Guest, and Ricky Gervais, who collectively serve to make you feel all the more terrible about seeing this movie. Don’t approve of their reckless behavior: do not see this movie!
General Custer is the love interest
Or Terminator 4. Released yesterday, Terminator Salvation opened to pretty awful reviews all around, and promises to combine the most basic elements of Battlestar Gallactica (ARE WE HUMAN OR AREN’T WE?) with your run of the mill overdone special effects tomfoolery. I’m sure watching it will feel a lot like watching Christian Bale play Neo in “Matrix Revolutions”, but with even more machines. And if that’s not enough to dissuade you, the director became a director this year, and goes only by the name “McG”. And he’s working on Terminator 5 (which I hope will be titled “Terminator Apocalypse”).
Matrix or Terminator? Either way you lose.
So we have Nattom Bots as the family film, and Terminator as the action film, so which comedy is stepping up to the plate for Memorial Day? Unfortunately there isn’t one, unless you consider the Wayans brothers a part of that genre (a grave mistake with dire consequences, I assure you). “Dance Flick” is the first all-Wayans creation since “Little Man”, although they would have you believe that it’s their first since “Scary Movie 2” (still not helping), ignoring the fact that they also did work on “Scary Movie 4” and “White Chicks”. FORGET ALL THAT THOUGH, because this time they mean business, and they’re here to show Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (“Epic Movie”, “Meet the Spartans”, “Date Movie” etc.) how it’s fuckin’ done. It even stars Damon Wayans Jr. who’s best known for his top-notch work on hit shows “The Underground” and “My Wife and Kids”.
According to Jim...?
And that’s what Hollywood is doing to you this weekend. So, where do I stand?
- Terminator Salvation
- Night at the Museum 2
- Dance Flick
- Star Trek
- Angels & Demons
Historically, it would go more like 2, 3, 1, 5, 4, but I made my mind up about this one earlier in the week and I don’t want to flip-flop on it now. I guess what I’m saying, is that it would really help me if you’d go out and see “Terminator 4” a bunch of times, followed by “Star Trek”. Or just do what I’m doing and stay the hell away from the theater. Really, any other decision you make after that one will have to be better by default, which leaves you free to: barbecue, go ice fishing, start a cock fighting circuit, or make your own movie on your own budget that will be guaranteed to be better than anything opening this week.
The Glass City 