The Evolution Revolution

Good ‘morrow, all! Prithee, I have but naught in ways of tidings, sirrah. ALAS! I must speaketh fare thee well, and good eventide, until the sun rises anon. In a fortnight, mayhaps!

Mayhaps!

All right, all right. So, usually around this time of the year we all make the trip down to renfaire out in Bristol (where we are DEFINITELY NOT allowed to talk like that), but with the debt crisis, and what I am calling The Great Baby Dilemma, it doesn’t look like we’ll get down there any time soon. Still, that won’t stop me from dreaming and/or talking like a jackass. Mayhaps!

BOX OFFICE PREDICTORIALS (Google suggests productorials):

1. Captian America
2. Harry Potter
3. Cowboys & Aliens
4. The Smurfs
5. Crazy, Stupid, Love

This is kind of a difficult week to call, because it seems like my top 2 picks have already raked in about as much money as they deserve, and nothing incredibly substantial is trying to compete with them this week. Cowboys & Aliens looks fun and stuff, but it’s getting mixed reviews. From what I can tell, the general consensus is that people want it to be a comedy, when it is instead an homage to both westerns and sci-fi. If I had to guess what the actual problem with it is, I’d bet it’s Favreau’s directing. It seems like he’s taking the big-budget special effects approach, which is probably gonna muddy the writer’s intention a bit. But, we’ll see. The Smurfs is an abomination, but it’s the only family thing out there and will probably make it in the Top 5 (quick aside: it may be the dark horse #1 movie this weekend… but not if we all do our part in not seeing it). As far as comedies go… eh. I mean, you still got Horrible Bosses floating around out there, not to mention Friends With Benefits. Crazy, Stupid, Love seems to be the same kind of movie and it’s newer, so, yeah. Then next week we have the atrocious Rise of the Planet of the Apes, that carries the very real tagline, “Evolution ends. Revolution begins.”  I’m not making that up; that’s the actual tagline for the movie.

It’s probably going to be a lot like Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp, a Saturday morning show featuring an all-ape cast, hosted by an ape doing an Ed Sullivan impression. I’m also not making this up:

Seriously, people: if you get to the theater and you realize there’s nothing good, there’s no shame in simply walking away. Don’t have the mentality of we’re already here, guess we’ll see whatever. This is no good for anyone. Best case scenario, you leave saying it was all right, and you’ve still wasted $40. But then that $40 goes to some studio and it totally messes up my box office predictions. It’s lose-lose-lose. Just say no.

Also, a word to the wise for my devoted California fan base: if you need to get a smog test for your vehicle (in most states they’re just called emissions tests, but you know, California’s special and stuff) and a methed-out state worker says he can get you a guaranteed pass for the low price of $250, think carefully. Is this strung-out gentleman trying to swindle me? His mismatched shoes and greasy hair make him seem innocent enough, but his reddened eyes and crooked grin have a certain air of crazy. Chances are he’s not trying to be your friend here, and you may want to have him reported to the proper authorities. Trust me, you may feel guilty about putting a state worker in jail, but society will most likely be better off.

OK, so, in MY MIND, I am being chased by some people and I need to "fix" some things and what I need to know, is, okay, can I trust you? One. B. I can guarantee you a deal.

 

Owls & Crickets

Midweek posts are notoriously hard to write because absent is the safety net of box office news. I could predict what I will be predicting on Friday, but that would be neither productive nor interesting. And, being that I’m more or less interesting, this would be a contrary action to my whole paradigm.

Speaking of things, Columbia Pictures recently released what they’re calling a trailer for the game to movie experience Battleship, which is now apparently more akin to Transformers than anything else. Actually, SlashFilm describes it as a mix between Pearl Harbor and Transformers, and it’s absolutely accurate. If you enjoy $200m blockbusters that feature classic rock soundtracks and aliens fighting Liam Neeson then your day shall arrive next summer.

Remember when he was in "Schindler's List"? 'Cause he doesn't.

Actually, though, next year should be pretty damn good for movies overall, theoretically much better than this year. Let’s see, we got:

• P.T. Anderson’s The Master
• Prometheus
• Tarantino’s Django Unchained
• The Dark Knight Rises
• Pixar’s (the real Pixar, not Cars 2 Pixar) Brave
• Star Trek II
• Bop Decameron
• Moonrise Kingdom
• Superman Man Of Steel
• The Man With The Iron Fists
• World War Z

…just to name a few. Kind of makes you wish it was next year already, huh? To be fair, it’s well known that next year will be the last on record, so I guess they gotta make it count. Also, I’d link those to their respective IMDb pages, but most of them are pretty sparse and uninteresting, and I’d like to save you all the trouble of pointless clicking. I guess if you’re unfamiliar with a title in the list and are just that curious, you can always do some sort of information-super-highway-search.

It's high time RZA made a kung-fu flick.

Also, in case you don’t subscribe to my facebook, I recorded a lullaby and uploaded it to the youtube. If’n a lullaby sounds like it may sway your fancy then give it a listen. Sadly, I can’t claim this one for upstart indie band The Starfish Controversy, but that doesn’t make it any less (or more) of a song.

So Close, Yet So America

Well folks, our country may be on the verge of defaulting on our national credit, a heat wave has left our nation in tatters, and Boehner’s skin-tone has gone from gamboge to tangerine, indicating that the nation’s threat level has gone up several degrees. Yes, things would be looking rather grim if not for a little fellow we like to call CAPTAIN AMERICA, who has impossibly taken down the boy who lived at the box office this past weekend.

Here he's at threat level "persimmon"

RESULTS!

1. Harry Potter // Cap’n ‘merica
2. Captain America // Harry Potter
3. No Strings At- I mean, Friends With Benefits
4. Transformers 3
5. Horrible Bosses

Bah! I was so damn close this time, too! TO BE FAIR, I did predict that Captain America would rake in “$60m or something”, which is strikingly close to the $65m it actually brought in. It beat Harry Potter by about $18m, which means that everyone either A) saw Harry Potter last weekend, or B) saw it during the week. Everything else was pretty predictable, and Marvel gets a nice self-esteem boost after so many of their comic book movies have been bombing lately. Plus, you know, Captain America is a character that’s actually going to be in their Avengers movie, so, this was a pretty big deal for them.

I’ve been slowly getting back into movies, as you well know, which means I finally took the time to watch Aronofsky’s latest film, The Black Swan. While I could certainly do a whole review on it, I feel the statute of limitations has passed on this one, and everyone who wanted to see it probably already has and doesn’t need me yelling at them about how it is and stuff.

AT ITS HEART, BLACK SWAN IS A COMMENTARY ON OBSESSION AND THE PERCEPTION OF... hello? still there?

So, while I won’t do a full review, I will say that it’s pretty damn good, and about on par with The Wrestler. That’s not to say that they’re very similar movies, because they really aren’t. The Wrestler was a very straightforward character study steeped in realism and depressing life lessons. It was very good, and I think I gave it an A- way back in the day. The Black Swan, on the other hand, is an ultra-artistic retelling of a classic fable for modern times. Really, he couldn’t made a more different movie from The Wrestler, here, directorial trademarks notwithstanding. And, much like I thought would happen, Aronofksy’s has stuck with his recent trend of not being so damn amateurish when it comes to filmmaking. Pi and Requiem For A Dream, as ballsy as they were, took a number of unfounded risks in many directions, and smacked of someone just throwing everything they had at the screen to see what would stick. Thankfully he’s broken out of this trend for the most part, and we’re now seeing compelling and coherent storylines presented in reasonable fashions. My only real problem with Swan was that it unfortunately slips a bit back into Darren’s old habits, and at more than one point is just a bit over-the-top. If you haven’t seen it, though, really make an effort to (unless, you know, you’re sensible sensibilities are easily offended). Also, see The Red Shoes. It’s probably the best film regarding ballet ever made. Probably.

Really, it's quite good.

Also, now that my wife is like, full term, in terms (hah, pun) of pregnancy, it’s as good as a time as any to mention that when she goes into labor, I will have very little to do. I’ve thought a great deal about this; about sitting in a small room for up to 18hrs within nothing to do and I came to the conclusion that it’s gonna be pretty dang easy for me to blog about it. I figure I can knock out like, five or so blogs in that time. SO, JUST SO YOU KNOW, if she decides to take action and go into labor, my usual Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule might have to be a little altered for the occasion. Look forward to it.

Eventually my child will have a blog. It will not be more popular than mine.

Who Needs Comic-Con, Anyway?

Yet another year has gone by in which I haven’t been formally invited to Comic-Con, and as I say every year: their loss. I’ve all but given up on being a panelist (I think that’s what they’re called. Guests of honor, maybe?) and would settle for attendee, but our cold feud seems to be more alive than ever, and for that I apologize.

They'll invite this schmuck, though.

But they can’t stop me from making box office predictions!

1. Harry Potter (even though we all already saw it)
2. Captain America
3. Friends With Benefits
4. Transformers
5. Horrible Bosses

That’s right, Harry Potter will still be #1 after this weekend despite the much anticipated Captain America pummeling its way past security and onto the silver screen (or, if you’ve been tragically misinformed, the golden screen). Hollywood would like to make this out to be a classic Revolutionary War type scenario, in which (traditionally) a steroid-infused Uncle-Sam-complex goes on a rampage beating up British adolescents, and I’m as for it as the next guy. I just don’t think it’s going to happen this time around. I’m betting Cap’n ‘merica will still open strong, let’s say $60m or something, but you know something? If Green Lantern can both suck AND bomb, than so can this. Also, Friends With Benefits is coming out, and I’m PRETTY DAMN SURE it’s already come out earlier this year, under the title No Strings Attached. This will not stop people from seeing it again with different actors (much like everyone saw The Zookeeper even though they already saw Furry Vengeance).

Also opening this weekend is the Sundance favorite Another Earth, which is apparently some sort of fantasy romance for adults. Honestly I don’t know much about it, other than that one of the writers is co-starring it, and it mentions “the human heart” on the cover of the poster. If I got to pick the top 5 based on what deserved it, this would probably come in 3rd or 4th, right around where I’d put Sarah’s Key, which also opens this weekend and is about Nazis (that’s right, TWO Nazi movies in one weekend). Again, this summer has been pretty terrible overall, with very few shining examples of movies not being total wastes of time. I’m just hoping that next week, Cowboys & Aliens (which looks genuinely fun) will take down at least Captain America, if not both that and Potter.

Harrison Ford taking a brief intermission from fighting Nazis to fight Aliens in a different comic book movie.

Oh, and a quick shout out to my fallen brethren: Borders. Yes, Borders books is now completely out of business, with mere weeks remaining on their liquidation sales. I used to work for Borders and it was one of the worst jobs I’ve ever had, and, much like Blockbuster, they are a victim of poor corporate strategy and changing times. I liked shopping at Borders, typically because I enjoyed the atmosphere more than B&N and their membership was free. Obviously that turned out to be a bad decision, but when have I not rooted for companies that make bad decisions? Hollywood Video, Blockbuster, Enron… ah, the memories. ANYWAY, if you get a chance, head over to Borders in these final days because it’s being closed out by HILCO, and I know from experience that those chaps are all right.

No, they never gave you enough of these signs. Then you had to photocopy them. It was a nightmare.

Film Review: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

This has admittedly been a slow year for me in terms of movie-watching. Since I essentially stopped renting films, I’ve been relying heavily on Netflix to catch up on all I’ve been missing. Unfortunately, Netflix is just a front for the siren song that is TV On Demand, I am no stranger to being lured in by siren songs.

Well, unless it's poorly written SG-1 fan-fiction.

Theaters, though, still attract me in a way that is rather inexplicable. Why would I be drawn to something that is an uncomfortable and overpriced public gallery of humanity’s worst offenders? Maybe it’s for the commercials and AMC’s “Closer Look” behind-the-scene segments. I mean, where else am I going to be forced to watch a five minute actor’s promo for The Smurfs? No, no that’s definitely not it either. While the mystery may remained unsolved, it definitely says something about my character.

A quick word of caution: this a very spoiler-light review, but if you are a die hard fan and for some reason haven’t yet seen it (at which point I question your fandom), then you might want to skip it until after you’ve watched it.

If you voted for this alliance, you've already seen the movie.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 is a title far too long to type more than once in a sitting, so I hope you enjoyed that while it lasted. It’s always hard to effectively review a studio-planned second part to something that was shot as a single movie (as it was with Kill Bill or Lord of the Rings), but since Warner Bros. wants me to consider it its own movie, I must.

And the first thing that comes to mind, then, when having to take this into account, is that the pacing is pretty unreliable. Part 1 felt very much like a final movie in a series from the opening credits sequence and carried pace all the way until the abrupt ending. There wasn’t really a point in the first part where I said “this would be great if it didn’t seem so disjointed”. This was sadly not the case for the second part. As those of you who have read the books will already know, the second part takes place more or less over the course of a single day, which isn’t a big deal in the book because the seventh book takes place over the course of months. But since the first film covered, you know, the months (as all the other HP movies did), we are left with what a Harry Potter movie would be if it were more serialized into a very specific chapter of a much larger story. Not that this is inherently bad, but what ends up happening is that you never really get a sense of adequate pacing. It goes from playing catch up, to a small action sequence, to brooding suspense, to epic action, and generally jumps around from there. I assume that if I were to watch the two films back to back this really wouldn’t be an issue. But since it’s been a long time since I’ve seen the first film (and even longer since I read the book), it was pretty noticeable and therefore hard to get too attached to the flow of any given scene.

The changes made from the story in this film (much like in the first part) are a non-issue for me, in a way that I can’t say about the other films in this series. One of my problems with the Harry Potter phenomenon in general is that every movie had a different director, and every director wanted to make their own individual mark on the universe by changing around things in the book and generally screwing everything up for everyone (both book and film fans alike). The universe established in the seventh and eighth films is arguably the closest to the books that we’re going to get, and the changes made are minor and artistic instead of story-destroying. If you, however, thought that DH Part 1 handled the adaptation poorly, then you’re going to be likely to think this for part 2 as well. I just want to make it clear that I don’t care, because this is a film review, and not a book review, and my reasoning is that we should judge them based on their sole film merit. If the entire series changes things back and forth so many times that it becomes nearly incomprehensible and noncontinuous, then we have a problem.

Michael Bay is familiar with the kind of problem I'm talking about.

The directing is really solid though, and Yates makes a number of bold choices in the second part much like he did with the animated sequence in the first. He seems to have a grasp on the incredible gravity of the scenes he’s showing, and aided by top-notch special effects he handles these heavy scenarios with relative ease. There’s a lot of loose ends to tie up (that unfortunately were not always properly addressed in previous films in the series), but Yates does a fine job sorting out the web and delivering us a cogent product.

Worth noting is the soundtrack. Alexandre Desplat (who also did the soundtrack to Part 1, but more notably did the scores for A Prophet, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and The King’s Speech) does a fantastic job scoring what is arguably the most important film in the HP franchise. He tends to stay away from the old John Williams recurring themes, choosing instead to compose new and more appropriate tracks to accompany the various highs and lows in the finale. In fact, to my knowledge this is the only film that starts without the now-famous Harry Potter theme melody. This sets a very specific tone, and sends an all-bets-are-off kind of message, which I always enjoy. I’m not a fan of bets, and I’d rather them be off than on.

The acting is about as good as you can get out of the cast, although the performances in Part 1 did seem to outshine these a bit. Rickman was, however, at the top of his game, but then again when is he not? I mean, outside of Alice in Wonderland. And Love Actually. Other than that it’s nothing any more remarkable than it has been for the previous seven films.

...or Die Hard...

But the movie does succeed in bringing with it the concise air of finality that was to be expected. I know this doesn’t seem like it should be as big a deal as it is, but when you consider that the book had 18 chapters in which nothing happened–at all–and another half dozen where everything has to get wrapped up over and over again, it’s impressive. To be honest, most of the HP films have failed pretty hard at succinctly telling the story presented in a 3-4hr window, and we’re usually left mostly unsatisfied at how the story had been manhandled. Deathly Hallows, for my money, is the only film that efficiently adapts the story in question, and I give Yates and Kloves (the screenwriter) credit for this.

So, overall, it was as satisfying that it could be, all things considered. The adaptation was fulfilling, the directing was very good (in some scenes better than others), the acting was passable, and the score was quiet good. Naturally, if both parts were combined into a 4-5hr film I would appreciate it a lot more, but that goes without saying. Having to grade the film as is, though, is no difficult task.

Final Grade: B+

Radcliff's new film, "The Woman in Black", is probably not a secret sequel to Harry Potter. Probably.

Let’s Be Honest About The Records We Break

Naturally, not everything Harry Potter-related will be record-breaking. Or sell at all.

The Glass City is no stranger to performing amazing feats, smashing expectations, and generally impressing even the most naysaid of commenters (dictionary.com assures me that naysaid is indeed a word). In fact, this blog regularly sets incredible records of its own about as often as it goes through themes. Hell, maybe I’ve even broken records on theme switching. No one will ever know. That being said (but not naysaid), I can completely understand how I got the box office predictions so terribly, terribly wrong this week. I pretty much failed on all counts, but it’s only because I like to break the rules, so to speak. You know: push the boundaries, defy reality, etc.

BOX OFFICE RESULTS!

1. Harry Potter: The Movie You Saw This Weekend
2. Transformers
3. Winnie The Pooh // Horrible Bosses
4. Horrible Bosses // Zookeeper
5. Bad Teacher // Cars 2

Okay, so it’s not entirely true that I got everything wrong. But, with HP7 raking in a RECORD SETTING $169m (only $43m more than I predicted…), it doesn’t really matter whatever else was going on. Somehow Winnie the Pooh opened 6th, behind the family friendly Zookeeper and Cars 2, both of which have already been out forever AND are scientifically proven to lower your IQ 40 points [link to study not available]. But really, when a movie makes over $150m, and the next closest (which I did guess correctly) makes only $21m, then we begin to see the irrelevance of this week’s top 5. Did you know a 2hr campaign commercial for Sarah Palin was released in theaters, too? It made $65 thousand. So, there: proof that I didn’t even need to do predictions last week, but I did anyway.

Like Palin, I often do unnecessarily misguided things in a vain attempt to show you that "I'm just one of the people." Also, this is actually a screen from the very real movie poster.

Did you know that the midwest has been taken UNDER SIEGE by an intergalactic HEAT WAVE? It’s true. The heat index for most of this week is well over 105F, and Chicago’s top meteorologists have issued a statement to humanity warning of the armageddon, which will be taking place promptly after this current heat wave. In honor of this event, here are some fun facts about humidity!

1. The devices used to measure humidity in the air are called psychrometers and hygrometers, and no one but the most obsessed are allowed to own them.
2. Satellites are also used to measure humidity, but most of the time they’re busy delivering your television the Food Network.
3. Olympia Washington has the highest humidity in the US, but since the dew point is so low there you would never know.
4. When it is humid and the atmosphere around your body is hotter than your body temperature, the blood brought close to the skin’s surface can’t shed its excess heat (as it typically would with the cooler-than-body-heat-temperature), and you can get hyperpyrexia and/or heat stroke.
5. In the 1800s, most buildings were constructed in a manner that wouldn’t seal out humidity. When building codes changed in the 1900s, this problem was solved. Unfortunately, this led to water vapor accumulating within the walls of buildings, bringing about mold and mildew at a much higher rate.

So, if all that doesn’t make you want to move to the midwest, then I don’t know what will. Maybe I’ll throw in an autograph of something.

No refunds, regardless of the misunderstanding.

Part Two

Well, the weekend is finally upon us (much like I famously predicted on Monday), and no doubt most of you will be spending your trillions of dollars on the newest and final Harry Potter flick. I’m not like, accusing y’all of liking Harry Potter; it’s just a statistical probability. On its opening weekend, the last Harry Potter released made $125m domestic, and there’s no reason part two shouldn’t at least match that. Obviously it’ll be #1 this weekend, so that’s kind of a freebie. No, the real challenge I’m instituting here will be how much will it make? It’s been a slow year, and I can prove that by saying that Transformers 3 didn’t even crack $100m, when its predecessor made $108m its opening weekend. And I would expect Harry Potter to follow suit, if it weren’t the last one ever. ANOTHER THING: unlike the last Harry Potters, this one is straight-up opening on a Friday, so it won’t have the bonus days as a revenue cushion. *SIGH*. Okay, I’m gonna go with $126m. That’s right: I’m going all Price-Is-Right on it.

What the hell happened to this show?

PREDICTIONS!

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part Two
2. Transformers 3
3. Winnie the Pooh
4. Horrible Bosses
5. Bad Teacher One

So, yeah, I’m pretty sure Cars Two is gonna fall off the top five since the new Winnie the Pooh movie is coming out, and HP is technically a family movie, too. The rest is kinda up in the air (or, more accurately, doesn’t matter), so we’ll see come Monday.

IN OTHER NEWS, I checked out that whole Google+ thing. It’s pretty much just facebook, but with the whole Google suite mostly integrated (I’m told full integration is on the way). What this means is that it’s a one-stop-shop for your calendar, docs, emails, etc. So, that’s kind of neat, but the problem with it being invitation-only is that no one is on it. Now, I don’t have a hell of a lot of peoples on facebook anyway, so to cut that number down to 10 or so is pretty dramatic, and the effects are instantaneously visible. I’m posting messages that only I will read. Actually, that’s kind of my thing anyway, so I guess the effects aren’t that dramatic. Still, G+ seems less like a competitor to facebook and more of an add-on for Google itself. It’ll be interesting to see the changes they implement in the coming weeks, and how likely it is to match facebook and twitter’s traffic once it is open to the public.

"... here are my box office predictions for 7/15/2011..."

 

The Enthusiastic Motorist

Tonight a great success was had by all, when without warning I was called into action. Many face challenges in their day to day lives and I make no effort to pretend that the lives of others may in fact be slightly perilous on occasion, if not downright inconvenient. Few, however, are summoned to a trial of historic  proportions; to say the outcome of which would be any less important than Roe vs. Wade, Foreman vs. Ali, or Napoleon vs. Stalin.

Historians remember it as "French-Russian Boxing's Greatest Upset"

Tonight, I had to put on a spare tire.

DO NOT TAKE THIS LIGHTLY, FRIENDS! I’m not talking in the colloquial sense: the metaphoric implication that I’ve gained weight. No, no, no. I very much regret to say that I, your humble narrator, defiantly spit in the face of thousands of years of highway horror and changed a tire on the side of the road. With tools. And elbow’d grease.

Some may say that for this to be the first time I’ve encountered this, now when I’m nearing my 30s, is improbable if not spectacularly impressive. I would be inclined to agree with you, in that I most certainly am spectacularly impressive.

We don't prefer the term "grease-monkey"

Now that that’s out of the way, I can mention the formal experiment that I am about to undertake. Much like the 10 million+ people before me, I got a Google Plus (Google+?) invitation. Now, you can probably guess, but I’m not the biggest fan of social media. Clearly the only reason I keep a facebook or twitter account is out of pure hateful spite. Blogs are different, obviously.

But hey what the hell. I might as well give it a go. It can’t be any worse than facebook, presumably. In fact, I’d go as far as to guess that it’s probably better if for no other reason that Google already knows way too much about me, which should save me the time of having to type it all up again.

Just remember, Glenn Beck was the first to point out that Google filters its results to specifically cater to liberals and Nazis.

I’ll let you know how it do.

Calm Before/After The Storm

Try as the universe might, my blog refuses to succumb to petty natural disasters and or DDoS attacks (by my, um, service provider). Sometimes news is just too damned important to be kept from the public! I believe that’s Murdoch’s mantra, at least.

I ruined lives today? High five!

BOX OFFICE RESULTS!

1. Transformers: Revenge of the Moon
2. Cars 2 // Horrible Bosses
3. Zookeeper
4. Horrible Bosses // Cars 2
5. Larry Crowne // Bad Teacher

So yeah, Cars and Bosses were switched, and Tom Hanks was dealt a crushing blow as he was beat out by Bad Teacher to the tune of $3m. I guess I had too much faith in humanity here, hoping that Zookeeper, although technically family fare, would still be just too stupid to beat out Cars. That’s what I get for thinking things, I guess.

Naturally none of this will matter come the weekend, though, as the final Harry Potter will be all over theaters, utterly destroying Transformers and raking in over $100m. I’m calling it now, but it doesn’t count until I predict it on Friday, obviously. I can’t break with tradition, not when there’s this much at stake. And, while I’m not a huge fan of all the Harry Potter movies, the last one was kinda good, so I suppose I’ll see this one too, even though I’ve always held fast to my belief that one should only ever watch half of a two-part series, or two out of three if that is the case. I will be taking this belief back to the theaters, eventually, when The Hobbit is released. Take THAT, Jackson!

I blame Jackson for everything in this screen.

Also, a brief note to all my Los Angeles readers: have you heard of the 405? Do you know what they’re going to be doing to it this weekend? Well, for the large margin of people who don’t watch the news or listen to the radio or talk to their friends but STILL read my blog, let me inform you. They are shuttin’ it ALL down. That’s right, starting Friday and ongoing through 2019 (maybe, right now they’re just saying Monday), ramps to the 405 between the 10 and 101 will be NO MORE. The news media is calling it “Carmageddon”, which doesn’t hold a candle to Chicago’s “Snowpocalypse”, as far as rashly named media events go. Now, if you find yourself on the 405 this weekend, completely gridlocked and stuck in traffic… well, then, I suppose you wouldn’t really notice a difference. Nevermind.

I WILL NOT LET THIS AFFECT MY COMMUTE!

Good luck, everyone. We’ve got a long week ahead.

Back In The Swing Of Things

Ah, just like old times. Friday afternoon, writin’ a blog that’ll probably be about box-office predictions, a scathing feud brewing (that’s right, brewing AND scathing), a terrible cup of Maxwell House coffee; yes all is right in the world again.

To be fair, Teddy was probably talking about the freshly drawn blood from a grizzly bear he slaughtered with his own hands.

Box office things!

1. Transformers 3: Transformers… Too?
2. Cars 2
3. Zookeeper
4. Horrible Bosses
5. Larry Crowne

Yikes! This week is pretty tricky (Dangeresque reference notwithstanding) because another wave of terrible movies attempts to flank box offices, surrounding our precious money and forcing the masses to succumb. Bad Teacher is replaced by Horrible Bosses (titled as if not more aptly than its predecessor), and THE ZOOKEEPER finally erupts into our reality: truly a dark day for mankind. It has all the dangers of Furry Vengeance, but is not specifically aimed at children. If you haven’t seen it, Red Letter Media does a pretty clever little thing with it.

Sadly, critics will be unable to tell you if this is a screen from Zookeeper or Furry Vengeance. Actually, just thought of a new game...

Last night was the first for me in a seemingly endless series of government-mandated birthing classes at the hospital that we’re supposed to go to when like, the baby is happening. It was unsurprisingly a lot like any of the classes I’ve ever taken in college, in which you have to introduce the people sitting next to you, you have to split up into groups for participation points, someone forces the class to extend an extra 15 minutes because they won’t stop asking asinine questions, and you’ll probably get kicked out for telling that tasteless joke that you’ve been saving for just such an occasion. Not to say I didn’t learn anything, but it turns out my suspicions were confirmed when they proved Lamaze to be the biggest scam in the history of western medicine. It’s literally just relaxation, which, to be fair, we had to take as a class in middle school (a class that my friends and I were regularly kicked out of). They wanted you to breathe no more than 10 times in 60 seconds (for those of you playing at home, try it yourself! I was able to get down to 3 breaths, but hey, it’s not a contest). From what I was able to gather, there was no technique to it, it was honestly just relaxing. INSTRUCTION: Just breathe like you’re relaxed. RESPONSE: Ok… wait, there’s over 2hrs left in class?

I also learned a lot about what a baby is, but most of my questions I fear will remained unanswered. How do I communicate with my infant? Is telepathy involved? Are babies legal? Alas, I will just have to wait and find out.

Baby fugitives are 10x more deadly than adult fugitives.

I’ll see ya guys around.