A long time ago, I published an unexpectedly controversial list of the top 25 worst Christmas songs ever written, recorded, then churned out to the masses. As accurate as the list was, some took issue with it. This was to be somewhat expected, though the undying love for “Santa Baby” and “Dominick the Completely Culturally Sensitive Donkey” caught me a little off guard.
Also catching me off guard, was that folks had seemingly ignored the fact that I posted a counterpoint list of the top 25 best songs. I guess the two lists found trouble reconciling each other, and now we’re left with Christmas-shaped debits and credits all over the place.
Well, good news! I’ve moved on and updated BOTH lists so that they are now TOP 30’s! I’d like to pretend it was just as easy to find 5 more Christmas songs I love as it was to find 5 more I can’t stand, but that’d be pretty impossible. Anyway, objectively:
THE 30 WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME
30. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (listen)
The story of Rudolph was initially commissioned by retail mogul Montgomery Ward who needed a new Christmas folk character to sell copyrighted merchandise and make untold fortunes for the Christmas of 1939 and beyond. Often used as a tool to prod children into dressing up in costume and singing in front of gatherings of obligated parental figures, the song has a tendency to push all the wrong buttons. It ham-fistedly addresses the difficulties of not fitting in, and throws in a very 40’s American moral of “prove yourself a hero and your differences won’t matter,” which of course tragically turned out to be untrue. I think if you’re maybe 5, or 6, I could see the appeal of this song. Rudolph is a fun character and he’s special and he saves Christmas and you get to wear antlers. If you’re older than 6, though, the magic should pretty quickly fade into disdain.
Worst Line: “Then all the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee”
29. Deck the Halls (listen)
The epitome of Welsh yuletide classics, Deck the Halls (or Deck the Hall, depending on how far back you want to go) was never meant to be translated into English. It was part of a random collection of Welsh carols from the 19th century, then one Scotsman decided it just had to be in English, but there was no way to appropriately translate the sheer joy and emotion behind “fa la la la la la la la la” so that stayed as it was. I dunno, it’s just so hard to get behind a song that’s played so bombastically when literally every other line is the exact same “fa la la la la la la la la”. It’s a lot like The 12 Days of Christmas in that way, where it will destroy any Christmas spirit you’re trying to nurture by bludgeoning you with needless repetition.
Worst Line: “Fa la la, la la la, la la la”
28. Step Into Christmas (listen)
It’s sad, because I actually dig Elton John, especially golden era Elton John from whence this Christmas track comes. I guess some musical artists are just swept away by the season and they end up recording tragically uncomfortable party holiday music. Wham! is a good example, as is Paul McCartney. But much like their two contributions to the canon, it comes off as “hey I had a melody for a song I wanted to use on the last album, but it wasn’t really great, so I guess I’ll just use it for a bonus Christmas track I’m gonna make up right now”.
Worst Line: “Step into Christmas, the admission’s free”
27. Mary’s Little Boy Child (listen)
There’s just something about Calypso music that screams “please don’t use me for Christmas music,” and when composer Jester Hairston wrote it, he absolutely didn’t. He wrote a Calypso song for a Calypso-themed party he was going to about whatever. Then some time later, someone else entirely decided they were going to adapt it for Christmas and have their choir sing it all the time. Then Harry Belafonte heard it and must have thought, “well this is just too perfect to be true.” But it wasn’t, Harry. It wasn’t then, and it wasn’t when Boney M tried it. As it turns out, America wasn’t just one song away from a huge untapped Christmas Calypso explosion, so we’re left with this one awkward ghost of Belafonte past.
Worst Line: “So the Holy Bible say”
26. Ding Dong Merrily on High (listen)
See? Not all 16th century British carols are infallible. The problem with carol collections, is that they’re put together by collectors. And, as is the nature of their work, they are collecting every example of whatever it is their looking for (in this case carols). And this is most definitely a carol, however I’d be inclined to think it’s one meant more to be left on the shelf than actually performed and listened to. The writing is (intentionally?) silly and can’t be taken seriously on any level. I don’t want to say it’s lazy, because it’s probably meant to just be silly and casual, but it sure sounds lazy. A lot of old carols were left in the hallowed halls of history, why wasn’t this one?
Worst Line: “Let steeple bells be swungen, and lo io io, by priest and people sungen.”
25. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree (listen)
For a song that claims to be all about rockin’, there sure is an awful lot of swing on display here. Introduced in the late 50’s to capitalize on the rock ‘n roll movement that was sweeping the nation, this is a classic example of trying too hard to merchandise a holiday to the new generation. It’s exactly what people who didn’t like rock ‘n roll wanted rock ‘n roll to sound like.
Worst Line: “Everyone’s dancing merrily in a new old fashioned way”
24. We Need a Little Christmas (listen)
Actually from the 1966 musical Mame, the annoying number at its best is used ironically, which should tell you quite a bit. I never saw Mame, but the synopsis I read makes it seem like Mary Poppins if it Mary was an out-of-touch socialite instead of a magical nanny, which naturally sounds, you know, pretty bad. As bad as the song would suggest? Sadly I don’t think I’ll ever find out.
Worst Line: “And we need a little snappy Happy-ever-after”
23. Up on the Housetop (listen)
Here we see the meeting of two great evils: Burl Ives (the singer); and Johnny Marks, writer of many a terrible Christmas tune (including Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, Silver and Gold, Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree, and of course this number). It has all the feeling of a creepy distant relative imparting a tale onto you in a manner that’s way too comfortable, but really too silly to get offended by outright.
Worst Line: “Ho, ho ho! Who wouldn’t go? Ho, ho ho! Who wouldn’t go?”
22. A Holly Jolly Christmas (listen)
Sticking with Ives for a second, this is the title track on what is a truly terrible Christmas album from 1965. Fortunately unless you go out and try to by this album, you’ll never get the chance to hear forgotten Ives renditions such as Snow For Johnny, and Christmas Can’t Be Far Away. I’m sure they’re great. The one good thing about this song is that it’s laughably short, consisting of only two verses that are each only four lines long.
Worst Line: “Somebody waits for you. Kiss her once for me!”
21. Mary Did You Know? (listen)
Michael English debuted this oddly serious love song on his debut album aptly titled Michael English back in 1992. Don’t know Michael English? Don’t worry, no one does. The song actually only got popular after good ‘ol Kenny Rogers sang it in 1997 and got it popular on pop country radio stations, because it’s a country song, apparently. It’s also really bad, and mixes Christmas reverence with smooth R&B. Oh, also, Clay Aiken did a version of it. Also, points to this song for rhyming “God” with “trod”.
Worst Line: “Did you know that your Baby Boy is heaven’s perfect Lamb? The sleeping Child you’re holding is the Great, I Am.”
20. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (listen)
This one really borders on “novelty” Christmas music, as it’s sung from the perspective of a genuinely naive child who upon seeing his mother in the midst of a torrid affair with an old man is to laugh it off, and chalk it up to the “gee willikers” category. Look, 1950s, I know you think you’re morally superior to me, but there’s no way you can tell me that the father’s reaction to his son’s confession if his wife truly were kissing some other guy would be laughter. Also, stop having your children sing on the radio and then waiting forever for someone else to make it a “Motown Classic.”
Worst Line: Oh, what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen”
19. Where Are You Christmas? (listen)
You know, it’s just a poorly written song. It was written for a terrible Hollywood movie remake and sounds like it was, too. The Grinch was offensive on a lot of levels, but mostly that it treaded upon some very respected ground. They weren’t just remaking a Christmas movie, they were trying to rake in profits on a beloved Dr. Seuss classic. This song exemplifies that profiteering trend, and is also sung by Faith Hill. It really has no redeeming qualities.
Worst Line: “If there is love in your heart and your mind, you will feel like Christmas all the time!”
18. Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane) (listen)
This one’s actually a bit of a conundrum, since this bouncy tune has been sung by a bunch of my favorite artists, including Elvis, Doris Day, and even Bob Dylan. And while they do their best, the song is still in the same vein as Rudolph or Frosty (even sung by the same original artist), and can’t shake that department store Christmas aura about it, no matter who’s singing.
Worst Line: “Santa Claus knows we’re all God’s children, that makes everything right.”
17. The Twelve Days Of Christmas (listen)
Oh Twelve Days of Christmas, I’ve never liked you. This oft-spoofed practice in mind-numbing repetition has spawned more songs mocking it then any other Christmas song I can think of, and for good reason: it literally lists twelve nonsensical items on a list of no discernible origin, and does so without changing melody for minutes on end. It’s actually one of only a couple traditional songs (this one dates back as early as the 18th century) that I simply will not tolerate in any form, though the more modern versions (the ones that replace “partridge in a pear tree” with “a song for the Christmas tree”) are slightly more grating.
Worst Line: “Eight maids a-milking”
16. Jingle Bell Rock (listen)
Much like with Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree (it also makes mention of “the hop”), the song was written in the late 50’s to try to make Christmas seem hip to what I’m now assuming were greasers. I’m not the biggest fan of Jingle Bells to begin with, but I certainly wouldn’t say it needed an edgy update of any sort. Nowadays it’s associated more with awkward and obligatory office parties, which makes sense: it’s the perfect song for when you want to pretend you’re having fun, but secretly detest the occasion.
Worst Line: “Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet”
15. The Little Drummer Boy (listen)
Almost everything about this song is offensive to me. It was written in the 40’s and recorded by the Trapp Family Singers, which should tell you pretty much everything you need to know about the song’s moral high ground. It’s got that weird church (read: not Christian, per se) sensibility to it, where we’re supposed to feel humbled by a poor kid playing his drum for a baby, and the baby smiling in approval. I fail to see an appropriate moral lesson here one can take away, but beyond that it’s just a lousy song. Its repetitious nature is the key problem, but fundamentally it’s impossible to make a song sound good when you have the single most annoying repeating line in Christmas song history.
Worst Line: “Pa rum pum pum pum”
14. Mele Kalikimaka (listen)
And so begins my tour of Christmas On the Go! Or, songs that try to teach its audience that Christmas is the same all over the world. Bing Crosby did the most notable version of this song, but it’s been covered by several notables who cater specifically to the person that likes Christmas, but hates all the aspects that one normally associates with the holiday, like, you know, snow, and things. The Blue Hawaiians did a cover, as did Genoa Keawe, which makes sense, but most listening to it agree more with the, say, Jimmy Buffet mentality there, and that mentality is not something I ever want to associate with Christmas.
Worst Line: “We send to you from the land where palm trees sway”
13. Feliz Navidad (listen)
And now we journey to Mexico! Actually Puerto Rico is where José Feliciano is from, and he would probably have to agree that Puerto Rico is most certainly not Mexico. Again, written with all the intention of having a Spanish language Christmas song break into pop holiday culture (one assumes), the song soon became ridiculously popular with American listeners. Much like Mele Kalikimaka, the song traditionally exists to fill that globetrotting Christmas niche, and otherwise would be okay if it weren’t a 1970’s pop song. Gimmicky 1970’s pop songs, by the way, are somehow not the best Christmas songs.
Worst Line: “Feliz navidad. Feliz navidad. Feliz navidad.”
12. Donde Esta Santa Claus? (listen)
Okay, really though, this one is a terrible gimmick. Sung by child-star Augie Rios in the 1950s (doubled with long-forgotten single I Don’t Care Who You Are Old Fatso, Get Those Reindeer Off My Roof… seriously) this song is pretty cringe-worthy, if for no other reason than the 1950s refuses to have adults sing their novelty Christmas music. The Rios version, though, isn’t the worst (if you can believe it). That title goes to 70’s train wreck Charo. I wouldn’t even dare you to listen to that catastrophe.
Worst Line: “Ole! Ole! Ole! Cha cha cha!
11. Same Old Lang Syne (listen)
Long-time radio personality Delilah loves this song, mostly because it’s meant specifically for the demographic of the tragically-alone middle aged lovelorn (a demographic Delilah can represent with both hands tied behind her back). It tells a sentimental and often creepy story of a man who runs into his old lover in a grocery store, then gets drunk with her in his car and she leaves him alone as it begins to rain. Worth noting is that the writer of the song based it on events that actually happened to him in good ‘ol Peoria Illinois, which somehow makes it even more pathetic. The upside to this song is that it’s unwittingly pretty funny, though still impossible to take seriously and/or listen to more than once in your life.
Worst Line: “I stole behind her in the frozen foods and touched her on the sleeve”
10. Grown Up Christmas List (listen)
This trite bit of hollow rubbish wasn’t even a Christmas song when it was originally released, believe it or not. It was bound to disappear into nothingness until one Amy Grant decided to include it on her 1992 Christmas album and its death was unfortunately waived. As Wikipedia would describe it, it’s about “a visit with Santa Claus by an adult who does not ask Santa for anything material for Christmas, but rather nothing but good things for all humanity.” How quaint. It’s one of those easy little “let’s all remember that Christmas is about more than presents” kind of things that people listen to and to which they pretend to feel good about themselves. It’s sappy and pretty unbearable, so, thanks Amy Grant.
Worst Line: “Packages and bows can never heal a hurting human soul”
09. The Christmas Shoes (listen)
So in 2002, terrible pop-country Christian group NewSong tried to ruin Christmas music forever by releasing The Christmas Shoes, a song that details the perils of retail intertwined with cancer, and ultimately death. In a nutshell, the song tells a story of a poor kid trying to buy some dress shoes for his mom who’s dying at home of cancer but doesn’t have enough money, and the person behind him is so moved by his plea for charity that he buys the kid the shoes and learns a lesson or something. It’s actually pretty disgraceful, in that the real story here is that A)it teaches that retail clerks are complete jerks and won’t help a kid out because rules are rules or something, and B)that you should ignore the fact that the kid even feels the need to go out and buy shoes for his mom in the first place. No, forget here that this kid was persuaded by the capitalist tendencies of the holiday to go out and spend money rather than stay at home with family. Yeah, just forget all about that. Also thanks CBS for making a made-for-TV movie out of it with Rob Lowe. That was the real Christmas miracle.
Worst Line: “I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight”
08. Do They Know It’s Christmas (listen)
Speaking of righteous pleas for charity, Band Aid recorded a song in the 1980s to get people to donate money for the famine in Ethiopia. A fair cause indeed, but much like their other notable single (We Are The World) it’s quite difficult to listen to a bunch of ultra-rich celebrities sing a pop number yelling at me for being so greedy. Fine, Band Aid! Take a donation, just stop singing this very 80s pop song at me in the middle of Silent Night and Silver Bells! It comes off as pretentious, and I think a lot of the message is lost somewhere in the feel-good, poppy chorus. It’s also got pretty terrible writing, which isn’t too out of character for music of the day.
Worst Line: “Here’s to you, raise your glass for everyone. Here’s to them, underneath that burning sun”
07. Last Christmas (listen)
And speaking of just straight-awful 80s music that tries to pass itself off as Christmas music, George Michael of Wham! decided to throw his party hat into the ring with a song I wouldn’t know is about Christmas if it weren’t such a prominent lyric. Actually I’m not really sure what this song is about, outside a drunken love note to someone he can’t get over. The song contradicts itself a lot with truly lazy writing so it’s hard to get what Michael is going for here, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter. I’m fairly certain it’s not about Christmas. I’m pretty sure it’s about clubbing.
Worst Line: “I’m hiding from you and your soul of ice”
06. Santa Baby (listen)
I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who actually liked this song. Okay, that’s not true. I’ve met a lot of people who’ve described this song as “cute”. Everything about this song rubs me the wrong way: from the sexualization of Old Saint Nick, to the idea that all women are gold diggers, to the shudder-worthy Betty Boop voice that must be used when singing. Appropriately, Madonna did the most notable version of this abomination, though it was actually first recorded 30 years earlier by Eartha Kitt (a more listenable version, but still pretty bad). I guess the song makes sense in the 50s, because back then all women were terrible (I’m just going off of what the songs are teaching me here), but to think that artists are still covering it (artists like Taylor Swift, who also did a version of Last Christmas because she hates Christmas THAT MUCH) is pretty unforgivable.
Worst Line: Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring, I don’t mean on a phone”
05. The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late) (listen)
This one shouldn’t take too much explaining. The chipmunk fad was one of those inexplicable sensations that swept America like a plague of bad taste and lingered for far too long. The gimmick of taking a song and speeding up the playback to give the impression of singing while inhaling helium was not only a bad idea, but all the rage when it hit the scene in the late 50s. Having children sing Christmas songs is bad enough, but to have anthropomorphic chipmunks sing in a helium-voice while their manager yells at them in the background is purely torture, and torture that lasts for over two minutes. I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, but if you can even make it past the intro, you’ll know how long this feels. Also, apparently an updated 2007 rock version exists because of the Chipmunks movie remake. Thanks, Hollywood.
Worst Line: Want a plane that loops the loop, I still want a hula hoop
04. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas (listen)
Ah, child singing sensations. Rather, child singing sensations that are only regionally successful… in their region of Oklahoma. Such was the case for 10 year old Gayla Peevy when this song was released in 1953. The only good that ever came out of this song was that a local zoo used it to lobby for a hippopotamus addition to their collection, and eventually got it. The hippo eventually died, but this song lived on as a terrible example of what happens when we put 10 year olds from Oklahoma in front of a microphone and press record.
Worst Line: “There’s lots of room for him in our two-car garage, I’d feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage”
03. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer (listen)
Oh stereotypes, you should be in more Christmas music. At least, that’s what the thinking was back in 1979 when Elmo Shropshire recorded this redneck family favorite. It was a novelty song, sure, but that really uncomfortable kind of novelty song that brings upon a great sadness. Do people out there think this is funny? Sure they do. You know that family member that always tells all the unfunny and often off-color jokes that only he laughs at, way too loud, and way too long? He thinks this is funny. He heard it on a country radio station once in the 80s (as was tradition until the song was re-recorded in 1992, the song only appeared on country radio) and he could not stop laughing. Stupid rednecks are stupid, the song says. Merry Christmas.
Worst Line: “There were hoof prints on her forehead, and incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back”
02. Dominick the Donkey (The Italian Christmas Donkey) (listen)
I first heard this song when working in retail when I was only 17, and was immediately thankful that I had survived 17 years on this planet without ever having heard it before. It’s one of those rare songs that captures everything I detest in one package. Terrible 1960 novelty song? Check. Vaguely racist? Yep. Annoying animal sounds for the chorus? Why the hell not. It’s really got it all, and it’s all criminal. We had to listen to it many times over that particular holiday season, but even once is enough to get your blood boiling.
Worst Line: “Ching-a-di-ching HEE HAW HEE HAW!”
01. All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth (listen)
I mean, how could this song NOT be number one? The ability for this song to crawl under your skin and make your nerves shake in turmoil is simply off the charts, and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the entire song is sung by a tone-deaf child with a lisp. In fact, I’m almost certain that’s what it is. It’s hard to even blame the original writer—an elementary school teacher—who wrote the song as a joke for his second grade class back in the 40s, and later even said in an interview that he didn’t understand why it became popular nationwide. It’s a mystery that persists to this day. Mystery or not, though, it’s still a national tragedy, and an unshakable scar that will haunt us every Christmas season.
Worst Line: “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, my two front teeth, see my two front teeth”
Right.
Now, just so you don’t go thinking that just because I wrote all of that it means that I don’t like Christmas music. It’s really quite the opposite! It’s just that since I wrote this list, the “30 BEST Christmas Songs of All Time” doesn’t seem as important. Until then, merry Christmas to all.
Good night.
The Glass City 