Every 16 Minutes

Hey everyone, I just wanted to take a quick moment to do a plug for The Suicide Prevention Lifeline. This year I was reminded not once but twice what a valuable service this would be if only more people knew of its existence.

Without getting too personal, depression (of both the normal and manic varieties) along with a whole host of other neurological disorders unfortunately afflicts a number of people I’ve known through the years, and I’ve seen the symptoms leading up to suicide far more often than I would like. Unfortunately, the symptoms aren’t always easy to spot or assess. I’ve very recently had a close friend decide to take his own life, and as is usually the case in these situations, one ultimately feels retroactively helpless; there’s a sense that one could have and should have been able to do more, had we only known to try. In these cases, it’s not uncommon for the person suffering to do so completely and utterly alone, making it extremely difficult for those around to even know they need help.

In this sort of situation, anonymous phone lines like the aforementioned one can be an enormous help. Sometimes, all it takes is for someone to listen and tell you–even though it may sound hollow–that things will be all right. Sometimes just knowing that you have someone, anyone there makes all the difference.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to remember that the overwhelming majority of suicide attempts are results of extreme tribulation and distress, and not a simple call for attention.

If you know someone that seems vulnerable, don’t hesitate to let them know that you’re there. And for those reading who are themselves vulnerable, remember that there is always a place to reach out to.

The Top 25 Worst Christmas Songs Of All Time (Unabridged!)

A little bit ago I published a short and sweet list of what I know to be about the worst 25 Christmas songs ever magnetized, and it was met with a bit of debate and criticism. The Chipmunks are great! some would say, or, I LOVE The Christmas Shoes!

I can’t account for bad taste, but I can give you guys the respect you deserve and at least publish the reasons why I think these songs are unforgivable. I’ve included along with the explanations what I believe to be those particular songs’ worst lines, along with links to versions that you can listen to (for the very masochistic). You’ll note the order or content of the list has not changed, as I stand by my initial choices. Anyway, here ya go:

Festive Favorites indeed.

THE 25 WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME

25. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree (listen)

For a song that claims to be all about rockin’, there sure is an awful lot of swing on display here. Introduced in the late 50’s to capitalize on the rock ‘n roll movement that was sweeping the nation, this is a classic example of trying too hard to merchandise a holiday to the new generation.

Worst Line: “Everyone’s dancing merrily in a new old fashioned way”

24. We Need a Little Christmas (listen)

Actually from the 1966 musical Mame, the annoying number at its best is used ironically, which should tell you quite a bit. I never saw Mame, but the synopsis I read makes it seem like Mary Poppins if it Mary was an out-of-touch socialite instead of a magical nanny, which naturally sounds, you know, pretty bad. As bad as the song would suggest? Sadly I don’t think I’ll ever find out.

Worst Line: “And we need a little snappy Happy ever after”

23. Up on the Housetop (listen)

Here we see the meeting of two great evils: Burl Ives (the singer); and Johnny Marks, writer of many a terrible Christmas tune (including Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, Silver and Gold, Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree, and of course this number). It has all the feeling of a creepy distant relative imparting a tale onto you in a manner that’s way too comfortable, but really too silly to get offended by outright.

Worst Line: “Ho, ho ho! Who wouldn’t go? Ho, ho ho! Who wouldn’t go?”

22. A Holly Jolly Christmas (listen)

Sticking with Ives for a second, this is the title track on what is a truly terrible Christmas album from 1965. Fortunately unless you go out and try to by this album, you’ll never get the chance to hear forgotten Ives renditions such as Snow For Johnny, and Christmas Can’t Be Far Away. I’m sure they’re great. The one good thing about this song is that it’s laughably short, consisting of only two verses that are each only four lines long.

Worst Line: “Somebody waits for you. Kiss her once for me!”

21. Mary Did You Know? (listen)

Michael English debuted this oddly serious love song on his debut album aptly titled Michael English back in 1992. Don’t know Michael English? Don’t worry, no one does. The song actually only got popular after good ‘ol Kenny Rogers sang it in 1997 and got it popular on pop country radio stations, because it’s a country song, apparently. It’s also really bad, and mixes Christmas reverence with smooth R&B. Oh, also, Clay Aiken did a version of it. Also, points to this song for rhyming “God” with “trod”.

Worst Line: “Did you know that your Baby Boy is heaven’s perfect Lamb? The sleeping Child you’re holding is the Great, I Am.”

20. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (listen)

This one really borders on “novelty” Christmas music, as it’s sung from the perspective of a genuinely naive child who upon seeing his mother in the midst of a torrid affair with an old man is to laugh it off, and chalk it up to the “gee willikers” category. Look, 1950s, I know you think you’re morally superior to me, but there’s no way you can tell me that the father’s reaction to his son’s confession if his wife truly were kissing some other guy would be laughter. Also, stop having your children sing on the radio.

Worst Line: Oh, what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen”

19. Where Are You Christmas? (listen)

You know, it’s just a poorly written song. It was written for a terrible Hollywood movie remake and sounds like it was, too. The Grinch was offensive on a lot of levels, but mostly that it treaded upon some very respected ground. They weren’t just remaking a Christmas movie, they were trying to rake in profits on a beloved Dr. Seuss classic. This song exemplifies that profiteering trend, and is also sung by Faith Hill. It really has no redeeming qualities.

Worst Line: “If there is love in your heart and your mind, you will feel like Christmas all the time!”

18. Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane) (listen)

This one’s actually a bit of a conundrum, since this bouncy tune has been sung by a bunch of my favorite artists, including Elvis, Doris Day, and even Bob Dylan. And while they do their best, the song is still in the same vein as Rudolph or Frosty (even sung by the same original artist), and can’t shake that department store Christmas aura about it, no matter who’s singing.

Worst Line: “Santa Claus knows we’re all God’s children, that makes everything right.”

17. The Twelve Days Of Christmas (listen)

Oh Twelve Days of Christmas, I’ve never liked you. This oft-spoofed practice in mind-numbing repetition has spawned more songs mocking it then any other Christmas song I can think of, and for good reason: it literally lists twelve nonsensical items on a list of no discernible origin, and does so without changing melody for minutes on end. It’s actually one of only a couple traditional songs (this one dates back as early as the 18^th century) that I simply will not tolerate in any form, though the more modern versions (the ones that replace “partridge in a pear tree” with “a song for the Christmas tree”) are slightly more grating.

Worst Line: “Eight maids a-milking”

16. Jingle Bell Rock (listen)

Much like with Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree (it also makes mention of “the hop”), the song was written in the late 50’s to try to make Christmas seem hip to what I’m now assuming were greasers. I’m not the biggest fan of Jingle Bells to begin with, but I certainly wouldn’t say it needed an edgy update of any sort. Nowadays it’s associated more with awkward and obligatory office parties, which makes sense: it’s the perfect song for when you want to pretend you’re having fun, but secretly detest the occasion.

Worst Line: “Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet”

15. The Little Drummer Boy (listen)

Almost everything about this song is offensive to me. It was written in the 40’s and recorded by the Trapp Family Singers, which should tell you pretty much everything you need to know about the song’s moral high ground. It’s got that weird church (read: not Christian, per se) sensibility to it, where we’re supposed to feel humbled by a poor kid playing his drum for a baby, and the baby smiling in approval. I fail to see an appropriate moral lesson here one can take away, but beyond that it’s just a lousy song. Its repetitious nature is the key problem, but fundamentally it’s impossible to make a song sound good when you have the single most annoying repeating line in Christmas song history.

Worst Line: “Pa rum pum pum pum”

14. Mele Kalikimaka (listen)

And so begins my tour of Christmas On the Go! Or, songs that try to teach its audience that Christmas is the same all over the world. Bing Crosby did the most notable version of this song, but it’s been covered by several notables who cater specifically to the person that likes Christmas, but hates all the aspects that one normally associates with the holiday, like, you know, snow, and things. The Blue Hawaiians did a cover, as did Genoa Keawe, which makes sense, but most listening to it agree more with the, say, Jimmy Buffet mentality there, and that mentality is not something I ever want to associate with Christmas.

Worst Line: “We send to you from the land where palm trees sway”

13. Feliz Navidad (listen)

And now we journey to Mexico! Actually Puerto Rico is where José Feliciano is from, and he would argue that Puerto Rico is most certainly not Mexico. Again, written with all the intention of having a Spanish language Christmas song break into pop holiday culture (one assumes), the song soon became ridiculously popular in almost everywhere but in Spanish-speaking countries. Much like Mele Kalikimaka, the song traditionally exists to fill that globetrotting Christmas niche, and otherwise would be okay if it weren’t a 1970’s pop song. Gimmicky 1970’s pop songs, by the way, are not my favorite Christmas songs.

Worst Line: “Feliz navidad. Feliz navidad. Feliz navidad.”

12. Donde Esta Santa Claus? (listen)

Okay, really though, this one is a terrible gimmick. Sung by child-star Augie Rios in the 1950s (doubled with long-forgotten single I Don’t Care Who You Are Old Fatso, Get Those Reindeer Off My Roof… seriously) this song is pretty cringe-worthy, if for no other reason than the 1950s refuses to have adults sing their novelty Christmas music. The Rios version, though, isn’t the worst (if you can believe it). That title goes to 70’s train wreck Charo. I wouldn’t even dare you to listen to that catastrophe.

Worst Line: “Ole! Ole! Ole! Cha cha cha!

11. Same Old Lang Syne (listen)

Long-time radio personality Delilah loves this song, mostly because it’s meant specifically for the demographic of the tragically-alone middle aged lovelorn (a demographic Delilah can represent with both hands tied behind her back). It tells a sentimental and often creepy story of a man who runs into his old lover in a grocery store, then gets drunk with her in his car and she leaves him alone as it begins to rain. Worth noting is that the writer of the song based it on events that actually happened to him in good ‘ol Peoria Illinois, which somehow makes it even more pathetic. The upside to this song is that it’s unwittingly pretty funny, though still impossible to take seriously and/or listen to more than once in your life.

Worst Line: “I stole behind her in the frozen foods and touched her on the sleeve”

10. Grown Up Christmas List (listen)

This trite bit of hollow rubbish wasn’t even a Christmas song when it was originally released, believe it or not. It was bound to disappear into nothingness until one Amy Grant decided to include it on her 1992 Christmas album and its death was unfortunately waived. As Wikipedia would describe it, it’s about “a visit with Santa Claus by an adult who does not ask Santa for anything material for Christmas, but rather nothing but good things for all humanity.” How quaint. It’s one of those easy little “let’s all remember that Christmas is about more than presents” kind of things that people listen to and to which they pretend to feel good about themselves. It’s sappy and pretty unbearable, so, thanks Amy Grant.

Worst Line: “Packages and bows can never heal a hurting human soul”

09. The Christmas Shoes (listen)

So in 2002, terrible pop-country Christian group NewSong tried to ruin Christmas music forever by releasing The Christmas Shoes, a song that details the perils of retail intertwined with cancer, and ultimately death. In a nutshell, the song tells a story of a poor kid trying to buy some dress shoes for his mom who’s dying at home of cancer but doesn’t have enough money, and the person behind him is so moved by his plea for charity that he buys the kid the shoes and learns a lesson or something. It’s actually pretty disgraceful, in that the real story here is that A)it teaches that retail clerks are complete jerks and won’t help a kid out because rules are rules or something, and B)that you should ignore the fact that the kid even feels the need to go out and buy shoes for his mom in the first place. No, forget here that this kid was persuaded by the capitalist tendencies of the holiday to go out and spend money rather than stay at home with family. Yeah, just forget all about that.

Worst Line: “I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight”

08. Do They Know It’s Christmas (listen)

Speaking of righteous pleas for charity, Band Aid recorded a song in the 1980s to get people to donate money for the famine in Ethiopia. A fair cause indeed, but much like their other notable single (We Are The World) it’s quite difficult to listen to a bunch of ultra-rich celebrities sing a pop number yelling at me for being so greedy. Fine, Band Aid! Take a donation, just stop singing this very 80s pop song at me in the middle of Silent Night and Silver Bells! It comes off as pretentious, and I think a lot of the message is lost somewhere in the feel-good, poppy chorus. It’s also got pretty terrible writing, which isn’t too out of character for music of the day.

Worst Line: “Here’s to you, raise your glass for everyone. Here’s to them, underneath that burning sun”

07. Last Christmas (listen)

And speaking of just straight-awful 80s music that tries to pass itself off as Christmas music, George Michael of Wham! decided to throw his party hat into the ring with a song I wouldn’t know is about Christmas if it weren’t such a prominent lyric. Actually I’m not really sure what this song is about, outside a drunken love note to someone he can’t get over. The song contradicts itself a lot with truly lazy writing so it’s hard to get what Michael is going for here, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter. I’m fairly certain it’s not about Christmas. I’m pretty sure it’s about clubbing.

Worst Line: “I’m hiding from you and your soul of ice”

06. Santa Baby (listen)

I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who actually liked this song. Honestly. The next five on the list I’m sure I’ve met at least one tortured soul out there that professes to like it, but not this one. Everything about this song rubs me the wrong way: from the sexualization of Old Saint Nick, to the idea that all women are gold diggers, to the shudder-worthy Betty Boop voice that must be used when singing. Appropriately, Madonna did the most notable version of this abomination, though it was actually first recorded 30 years earlier by Eartha Kitt (a more listenable version, but still pretty bad). I guess the song makes sense in the 50s, because back then all women were terrible (as I’ve learned from the songs of the era), but to think that artists are still covering it (artists like Taylor Swift, who also did a version of Last Christmas because she hates Christmas THAT MUCH) is pretty unforgivable.

Worst Line: Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring, I don’t mean on a phone”

05. The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late) (listen)

This one shouldn’t take too much explaining. The chipmunk fad was one of those inexplicable sensations that swept America like a plague of bad taste and lingered for far too long. The gimmick of taking a song and speeding up the playback to give the impression of singing while inhaling helium was not only a bad idea, but all the rage when it hit the scene in the late 50s. Having children sing Christmas songs is bad enough, but to have anthropomorphic chipmunks sing in a helium-voice while their manager yells at them in the background is purely torture, and torture that lasts for over two minutes.  I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, but if you can even make it past the intro, you’ll know how long this feels. Also, apparently an updated 2007 rock version exists because of the Chipmunks movie remake. Thanks, Hollywood.

Worst Line: Want a plane that loops the loop, I still want a hula hoop

04. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas (listen)

Ah, child singing sensations. Rather, child singing sensations that are only regionally successful… in their region of Oklahoma. Such was the case for 10 year old Gayla Peevy when this song was released in 1953. The only good that ever came out of this song was that a local zoo used it to lobby for a hippopotamus addition to their collection, and eventually got it. The hippo eventually died, but this song lived on as a terrible example of what happens when we put 10 year olds from Oklahoma in front of a microphone and press record.

Worst Line: “There’s lots of room for him in our two-car garage, I’d feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage”

03. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer (listen)

Oh stereotypes, you should be in more Christmas music. At least, that’s what the thinking was back in 1979 when Elmo Shropshire recorded this redneck family favorite. It was a novelty song, sure, but that really uncomfortable kind of novelty song that brings upon a great sadness. Do people out there think this is funny? Sure they do. You know that family member that always tells all the unfunny and often off-color jokes that only he laughs at, way too loud, and way too long? He thinks this is funny. He heard it on a country radio station once in the 80s (as was tradition until the song was re-recorded in 1992, the song only appeared on country radio) and he could not stop laughing. Stupid rednecks are stupid, the song says. Merry Christmas.

Worst Line: “There were hoof prints on her forehead, and incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back”

02. Dominick the Donkey (The Italian Christmas Donkey) (listen)

I first heard this song when working in retail when I was only 17, and was immediately thankful that I had survived 17 years on this planet without ever having heard it before. It’s one of those rare songs that captures everything I detest in one package. Terrible 1960 novelty song? Check. Vaguely racist? Yep. Annoying animal sounds for the chorus? Why the hell not. It’s really got it all, and it’s all criminal. We had to listen to it many times over that particular holiday season, but even once is enough to get your blood boiling.

Worst Line: “Ching-a-di-ching HEE HAW HEE HAW!”

01.   All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth (listen)

I mean, how could this song NOT be number one? The ability for this song to crawl under your skin and make your nerves shake in turmoil is simply off the charts, and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the entire song is sung by a tone-deaf child with a lisp. In fact, I’m almost certain that’s what it is. It’s hard to even blame the original writer—an elementary school teacher—who wrote the song as a joke for his second grade class back in the 40s, and later even said in an interview that he didn’t understand why it became popular nationwide. It’s a mystery that persists to this day. Mystery or not, though, it’s still a national tragedy, and an unshakable scar that will haunt us every Christmas season.

Worst Line: “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, my two front teeth, see my two front teeth”

Whew, okay. So yeah, there you have it. Make sure you also check out my list of TOP 25 BEST CHRISTMAS SONGS, too. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea and think that I don’t like Christmas music, because I do. Point of fact, it’s because I like Christmas music that I hate these songs.

Merry Christmas, all. Good night.

A Bleak Midwest Midwinter: First Family Portrait

Hey everyone, as promised I finally got around to figuring out the scanner (a bit of ancient technology akin to the fax machine, I’m told) and scanned our three portraits taken last Saturday. The theme was “bleak Midwestern midwinter”. Enjoy.

Juliet's trying to kick the camera out of the photographer's hands

Bleak indeed.

 

So, yeah. Actually turned out pretty good. The real problem was figuring out how to work the ancient technology that goes into the scanning device. By some magic it all worked, and now I don’t have to deal with again until next year.

Top 25 Best Christmas Songs Of All Time

So, I didn’t really plan on my Top 25 Worst Christmas Songs list being as successful and as controversial as it ended up being. If I knew, like, a bunch of people were going to not only read it, but consider its contents, I would have put a lot more effort into it. I don’t mean that I’d change the order around or change what songs are on the list, but I’d probably write a little blurb for each one explaining why it sucks so much, and maybe a link to where you can listen to a version of it (if you’re THAT masochistic).

Well now you’re in luck! This is exactly what I’m doing with my much-asked-for 25 Best list which I’m presenting to you now. I will most likely go back and give similar treatment to my 25 Worst list, hopefully sometime before Christmas.

Finally, the good stuff.

THE TOP 25 CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME

25. Blue Christmas

While the definitive version of this song was sung by Elvis in 1957, the song was actually recorded nine years earlier by Doye O’Dell, and made famous by Ernest Tubbs with his version in 1950. As an Elvis fan and as a fan of being lonely on Christmas, it’s almost always been a favorite of mine.

24. The Coventry Carol

Ah, yes, the traditional English carols always get to me. This one’s from the 16^th century and is actually taken from a play about the Gospel of Matthew, and is about the “massacre of the innocents”. What’s not to like?

23. I Wonder As I Wander

While having all the haunting melodic structure of a traditional English carol, this one was actually written in 1933 in Appalachian North Carolina. It’s a true Christmas folk composition in every sense of the definition.

22. Baby, It’s Cold Outside

While the definitive version of the song is the Dean Martin version that he did for his Christmas album, the song’s been covered both successfully and unsuccessfully many, many times, and even won an Academy award when it appeared in MGM’s “Neptune’s Daughter” in  1949. Fun fact, in the original sheet music, it lists the two parts as “mouse” and “wolf”. Creepy.

21. In The Bleak Midwinter

How could I not like a song composed by Gustav Holst? Actually, Holst just did the music, whereas the “lyrics” were unsurprisingly a British Christmas poem written in 1872. Still, Holst.

20. We Three Kings Of Orient Are

Another British carol that’s really more of a hymnal–since it was written by a genuine reverend in the mid 19^th century–beautifully contrasts minor and major melodies between the verses and chorus. It can be quite moving when not done at too fast a tempo.

19. O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

Another ancient hymnal? Of course! Actually, the earliest that this one might date (both lyrics and music) as far back as the 8^th century, but most realistically can be traced back to the 15^th. Still, that’s pretty old, and was definitively finalized in the mid 19^th, where all good music was finalized.

18. Please Come Home For Christmas

The original version of this is still the best, sung by Charles Brown in 1961, and easily satisfies both my love of depressing Christmas songs and the blues.

17. Away In A Manger

I didn’t realize this, but apparently this song has two completely different melodies, one written by Mueller and one by William Kirkpatrick. Both complement each other nicely, though, and collectively they get this song to #17.

16. The Holly And The Ivy

Another traditional English carol, though much more upbeat than the others on my list. What’s nice about this one is that it’s more about the pagan winter tradition (both holly and ivy leaves are wiccan symbols of fertility) than the Christian themes usually displayed in the old English carols.

15. Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

John Lennon’s message is pretty subtle, here; you might miss it if you’re not listening. I think what he’s trying to get across, is that screw war, seriously. Seriously people, it’s Christmas time, time to stop the war in ‘Nam.  It’s actually just a really good song in general, though, and one of my favorites to listen to around the holidays.

14. Silver Bells

This classic was actually first sung by Bob Hope in the movie The Lemon Drop Kid, then later actually recorded by Christmas-master Bing Crosby. Favorite versions of mine include the Dean Martin and Sleeping At Last takes.

13. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear

Mid 19^th century? Naturally, though the music to this one was written by Richard Storrs Willis, a composer who trained under Felix Mendelssohn, which is probably why it’s so good.

12. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Written in the style of a 15^th century hymnal, this is one of those dark songs with positive lyrics that Charles Dickens hears and thinks, hey, I should reference this song in the book I’m writing. And so he did, in A Christmas Carol.

11. White Christmas

Irving Berlin’s 1941 song recorded first by Bing Crosby is not only a classic, but according to the Guinness Book of World Records, the best-selling single of all time. It’s one of those ones that can be over-played and covered in terrible ways, but it’s hard not to think of this as one of the simplest and celebrated Christmas tunes of all time.

10. Winter Wonderland

Winter Wonderland is another one that’s been played to death and covered by lousy artists time after time, but is also still really good. The only Christmas-y lyric in the whole thing is the mention of “sleigh bells”, which is neat, and generally it’s the craftsmanship of the lyrics that sells me. With lines like “to face unafraid the plans that we’ve made”, how can you not be won over?

09. O Tannenbaum

Christmas trees were usually erected undecorated in celebration of the Germanic god Yule, then was later decorated with lights and changed to represent Christmas time, though the marriage of pagan and Christian themes was what inspired the writing of this song way back in the mid 17^th century. The actual translation, by the way, isn’t “how lovely are your branches”, but rather a much more festive “your branches green delight us!” Indeed.

08. The First Noël

There are a lot of truly terrible versions of this song out there, much like with a couple other certain Christmas songs, sung in outlandishly diva-esque fashions that take attention away from the subtleties of the melody and focus it unjustly on the singer. Really the stirring melody presented in this (ahem) mid 19^th century Cornish carol are what sell it.

07. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

So, the lyrics to this were actually written in the mid 18^th century as a traditional carol/hymnal/poem, but the music was actually written by one of my favorite composers, Felix Mendelssohn. Sure, Mendelssohn might’ve written the music to celebrate the advent of the printing press, but that’s pretty easy to forget when you combine it with the text of the pre-written poem.

06. Christmas Time Is Here

A Charlie Brown Christmas is easily my favorite holiday movie (if you can even constitute something less than a half hour as a movie), and this is easily my favorite piece off of the album. It’s become a tradition to play Vince Guaraldi Trio pieces around the holidays solely because of their contributions on the soundtrack to this movie, and it’s no wonder why when you have fantastic pieces such as this.

05. Adeste Fideles

Otherwise known as “O Come All Ye Faithful”, this is one of the more powerful of the religiously-themed Christmas songs that I’ve come to enjoy. The traditional Latin is the only way to go with this one, and fortunately most 20^th century artists agreed, including Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, and Perry Como.

04. I’ll Be Home For Christmas

This is quite possibly the most genuinely sad Christmas songs ever composed, and naturally one of my most dearly cherished. Actually composed by Jewish-American Walter Kent to reflect the soldiers’ attitudes during WWII (and one of the few good original songs to come off of Bing Crosby’s Christmas album), the song was almost destroyed completely when Josh Groban did a horrendous version of it in 2007. Seriously Josh, stop trying to kill Christmas.

03. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Another famous WWII Christmas tune, this song has been one of my favorites since childhood. It’s passionate, sad, and quietly hopeful. Originally written for the film Meet Me in St. Louis, the lyrics were much darker than when Frank Sinatra ordered a re-write on a few of the lines. “We’ll just have to muddle through somehow” was changed to “hang a shining star upon the highest bow” and so on, but all versions are fine by me.

02. O Holy Night

O Holy Night is by far my favorite religious Christmas song for a myriad of reasons. It singularly commands the reverence and powerful tradition of the holiday with a grand and hallowed sense of songwriting that isn’t seen in any of the other religious-type carols I’ve included on my list. The lyrics are superbly written, and even the terrible and over-played versions of these songs can be tolerable most of the time. Again, divas and folks like Josh Groban use this as an opportunity to stretch their vocal chords, but it’s completely unnecessary and detracts from the song itself. Perry Como’s version, in which he doesn’t try for hitting a high note at the end of the piece may be my favorite.

01. The Christmas Song

Sometimes referred to as “Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire”, this is pretty easily my favorite non-religious holiday song. Written by Mel Tormé (the Velvet Fog, as it were) and Bob Wells (composer of films like From Here To Eternity) in 1944, it represents all that was good about Christmas music in the WWII era of Christmas songs. Its message is simple, heartwarming, and hard to mishandle. Nat King Cole was the first to record it and his version is great, but so many versions of this song are great that it’s almost unprecedented in the genre, which is all the more reason why it’s not only stood the test of time, but remains my favorite Christmas song (of all time).

If you play this, then you are most certainly not a monster.

Hopefully it’s much easier for you to agree with what I consider to be “the best songs” as opposed to “the worst”, but something tells me that’s not going to happen.

Month Four

Has it been four months already? With the holiday season all over us, we truthfully almost forgot. A last minute decision though SAVED CHRISTMAS for everyone, and a month four picture was created. Entitled “The Season”:

We also got a few first-ever family portraits done (for a shockingly low amount of money, actually) and they turned out pretty well. We should be getting them around Thursday and I’ll be sure to post those as well. The theme for those was “A Bleak Midwinter”.

Oh, Right

Just realized I did a fantastic job of predicting the box office last week, but never really followed up on it. I remember checking out the results on Monday and thinking man, I got pretty close, and I continued on doing whatever it was I was doing online that day. So, much belated, but:

BOX OFFICE RESULTS!Twilight: The Movie Based Loosely On The Book Breaking Dawn: Breaking Dawn: Part One

1. Twilight
2. The Muppets
3. Happy Feet Two: Happy Feet… Too? //Hugo (yay!)
4. Sleeping Beauty // Arthur Christmas
5. Arthur Christmas // Happy Feet II

Okay, so maybe I wasn’t that close, but I did guess the majority of them, even if they were only within a million or two of each other. The one thing I was WAY off about was Sleeping Beauty, because I didn’t realize it was opening in only two theaters. Yeah. Each theater would need to have been roughly 350x the capacity that they really are to be able to accomodate the crowds necessary to put that one in the top 5. Silly mistake. This week doesn’t look a whole lot better, with Valentines Day, um, I mean, New Years Eve opening up alongside some sort of Jonah Hill comedy called The Sitter poised to finally (after 2 weeks) bring down Twilight. The relatively short-lived success of Breaking Dawn doesn’t really surprise me, by the second weekend its ticket sales dropped off by about 70 percent, and the trend continues into only its third week, where some unsolicited trash comedy starring Jonah Hill seems less torturous.

Even the non-Jonah Hill version looks like it'd be better, really.

The “Top 25 Worst Christmas Songs” list caused quite the stir, with a lot of supporters and a lot of detractors, and that didn’t surprise me either (not a lot does these days, I guess). Christmas songs have the unfortunate attribute of not belonging to a single genre, so there are people out there who absolutely love the terrible novelty songs “like Two Front Teeth“, and there are people out there who only like, say, Celine Dion’s versions of the classics. Much like with all my other musical tastes, I tend to like the Christmas songs that are generally good, usually regardless of what kind of genre they fall into. I’ve realized lately, though, that I typically do hold the more traditional songs closer to my heart than others, but this is not always the case. To further elaborate, I’ll post a “Top 15” or so of the best Christmas Songs (of all time) soon.

The 25 Worst Christmas Songs Of All Time

A good percentage of my friends and family are iffy on Christmas music, and that’s putting it lightly. When pressured, most will say there’s at least one song they like, but it’s not surprising that a good amount flatly state no, Christmas music is downright unlistenable.

The reasons for this vary, most of the time it’s because they detest the holiday in a general sense, and hearing Deck The Halls doesn’t make things any easier. I used to be this way, too, after all. But somewhere around 18 or 19 I changed my stance and began to weed out everything I didn’t like about the holiday season until I was only left with the best bits. Those bits I weeded out? They are largely represented here, in what I believe to be a pretty definitive list of the 25 worst, absolutely unlistenable songs played around this time of year on programs like Delilah.

It’s important to note that these are just the worst straight-up songs. Naturally there’s terrible versions of otherwise fine songs out there, but I can’t include those otherwise Mannheim Steamroller would take up most of the list.

Also, sometimes terrible songs breed terrible movies.

THE TOP 25 WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME:

The REALLY Bad:

25. Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree

24. We Need A Little Christmas

23. Up On The Housetop

22. A Holly Jolly Christmas

21. Mary Did You Know?

Classically Awful:

20. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

19. Where Are You Christmas?

18. Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane)

17. The Twelve Days Of Christmas

16. Jingle Bell Rock

Songs I Wish Didn’t Exist:

15. The Little Drummer Boy

14. Mele Kalikimaka

13. Feliz Navidad

12. Donde Esta Santa Claus?

11. Same Old Lang Syne

The Worst of the Worst:

10. Grown-up Christmas List

09. The Christmas Shoes

08. Do They Know It’s Christmas?

07. Last Christmas

06. Santa Baby

Crimes Against Humanity:

05. The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)

04. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

03. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

02. Dominick The Donkey (The Italian Christmas Donkey)

01. All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

Now, I’m sure I’m forgetting a few, but these represent mostly the worst of the worst offenders; songs so bad that I have to leave the room or turn the radio off entirely when they come on. It was hard to rank the top 5, because once you get to that level it’s hard to distinguish between the atrocities.

If you put this on, you are a monster.

If you can think of any more, let me know.

10 Christmases

Good ‘morrow and HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL!

Traditionally I only post in December and it’s usually only to go on at length about how incredible this year’s Christmas music mix I’ve made is. This is usually accompanied by a lengthy list of all the songs featured on the mix, and how underprivileged you are all for not having access to it. Well no more! This time I’ll simply include a link to download the entire mix (broken into 3 digestible segments).

Part One: Tracks 1-40

Part Two: Tracks 41-80

Part Three: 81-120

For those you not in-the-know, I do one of these every year and have been since 2002, making this the 10th annual mix. It’s about 6.5hrs and features only good Christmas music. Nowhere in the collection is Feliz Navidad, Santa Baby, Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, or anything else awful like that. Although, some of the tracks may be a bit surprising, as I’m not obligated to be bound by the restrains of having to create an album that’s appropriate to play in a retail store, so I pretty much put on there anything I damn well wanted. It’s very good, and feel free to share in the holiday spirit.

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND ONLY:

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS (I know!)

1. Twilight: The Movie Based Loosely On The Book Breaking Dawn: Breaking Dawn: Part One
2. The Muppets
3. Happy Feet Two
4. Sleeping Beauty
5. Arthur Christmas

Yes, the only real change from last week I think will be the introduction of the maybe-buzz-worthy Sleeping Beauty. Who knows, though, maybe it doesn’t have enough press to break in and Hugo won’t fall by the wayside. Wouldn’t that be nice? If Scorsese’s movie wasn’t defeated two weeks in a row by a teen vampire romance and Happy Feet Goddam TWO? Yes, yes that would be nice.

Bella, seen here being 18yrs old, married, having remained abstinent for a man that constantly puts her in danger and leaves her.

I haven’t really had time to watch a great many movies lately, but I DID get a chance to beat Uncharted 3, and as predicted it was the best game I’ve played this year. I don’t have any complaints about it, but if you didn’t like the first two games (for whatever reason) then you probably won’t like this one either. It’s pretty damn hard not to like, though, as it somehow tops the first two games in almost every field from graphics to story to soundtrack to gameplay. If you liked the first two and haven’t played this one, then you are doing things drastically wrong.

Final Grade: A. Obviously.

I’ll check back in with you guys soon, as Juliet has her 4-month photo coming up, not to mention the fact that I may watch a movie one of these days and may want to talk about it.