Still the Worst Christmas Songs of All Time

A very long time ago, I wrote a–let’s say–controversial post that laid out what I thought were the top 25 worst Christmas songs of all time.

Not everyone loved it.

So I updated it to be the top 30 worst Christmas songs of all time.

And you know what? Even though I haven’t posted on this blog in quite a while, it still gets quite a bit of attention. Can you imagine the depths of my embarrassment when I realized that there were missing images and that more than half of the links didn’t work? Just try to.

So good news, as a Christmas present to you all, I’ve edited the post so that you can now enjoy it as though it were written just yesterday! I even checked to make sure my writing style hasn’t really changed in the last decade and for some reason it’s exactly the same. Let’s all just pretend that it’s a new post together, shall we?

THE 30 WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME

Also, just to add a little spice, I made a Spotify playlist for you all to share with your friends and family (whom I assume you despise) that contains 20 of the worst renditions of these songs. You’re all very, very welcome.

To My Friend Who is About to Watch LOST

I’m sorry. Really, I am.

Sorry, I should clarify, I’m not apologizing to you. This is a self-apology, as I swore I would never encourage anyone to watch this show again, even after all these years.

lost-copy

ONE: Every Man for Himself (The apology)

During its initial run and shortly thereafter, it was so natural and easy to recommend something that so profoundly affected me. Why wouldn’t I want to share that experience with any and everyone? As more and more of any/everyone didn’t get the same experience that I did out of it, I shortened that recommendation list to just close friends. Still, with very very very few exceptions, the outcome was still the same. At this point, I made a conscious decision to stop recommending it entirely. The debates, disillusionment, and unending defense eventually became more effort than it was worth.

It’s not untrue to say that fans of LOST are such a fringe community that we don’t talk about it openly in public. To that end, it’s probably not unfair to compare LOST fans to the early followers of Jesus. Should you accidentally happen upon one, there is a rush of excitement, followed by whispered talking for fear that the Romans might overhear (this is probably not the first religious analogy I’ll use in this correspondence; sorry).

Whenever someone expresses interest in starting the show, I hesitantly only respond, “the show isn’t for everyone,” and this is a rather large understatement. As I will outline later, the show is divisive on a level that’s hard to put into perspective. I would love nothing more than for someone to get the same experience that I and so many others did out of it, but setting this expectation is far beyond realistic.

TWO: Numbers (Historical context)

LOST debuted in 2004 during the broadcast networks’ (primarily FOX and ABC) foray into replicating the success spearheaded by cable triumphs like The Sopranos and Six Feet Under. While HBO had relatively little to lose in venturing into the hour-long drama (as it was a paid-for subscription which didn’t rely on commercial sponsorship), broadcast networks up until this point were mired in the easy success of reality programming, game shows, and multi-cam sitcoms. To attempt to woo the public over across demographics was an extremely risky move, but, it paid off. An onslaught of relatively solid programming was launched by the networks including LOST, House MD, Desperate Housewives, Heroes, 24, Rescue Me, and Battlestar Galactica. In the following years, the networks would double-down on this type of programming utilizing this model that’s still prevalent today.

Initially, LOST was quite critically acclaimed, winning multiple awards and setting TV rating records for the first two seasons. It was around the third season where the blockbuster numbers started to fall. Without creating a mini-essay on this, in short, while the show itself didn’t change, the viewership did. Those who were fans of the show for the same reasons I was continued to watch loyally throughout the series’ run, while those who were only attracted to certain aspects of the show switched their focus to other shows.

So… what does that really mean?

LOST is a show comprised of many elements that are attractive to a wide array of viewers. It is, at its heart, a character study with a large ensemble cast. The natural focus is on these characters, their histories, how they change and interact with other characters. However, it is also a sci-fi/suspense. It is a show of questions and answers. There are literally hundreds of questions the show raises that typically get answered as new questions emerge. These funnel into just a handful of series-arc storylines which are only fully resolved by the end of the series. Aside from this, much like a book series, each season has its own set of arcs that are resolved season-to-season, but add to the overall storyline.

Needless to say, a show of this magnitude being held to the limitations and scheduling of network television, in retrospect, is barely comprehensible. They did end up making it work, however, being able to watch it without interruptions is naturally the way to watch a show that is written the way it was.

The show isn’t for everyone.

THREE: Exodus (Common criticisms, misconceptions, and my thoughts in their regard)

As mentioned before, I’ve found it very difficult to engage in conversation about the show with people who have very strong opinions on why they dislike it. If you watch the first two seasons and find it’s not your cup of tea, so to speak, then this is an absolutely valid reason for not continuing to watch. The character development and storytelling will not change after this, so if you’ve gone that far, and it’s not for you, it’s not for you.

There are, however, some common debates and what I would call misconceptions that are especially frustrating:

  1. The show does not answer any questions: This is demonstrably false. By the series end, all raised questions (no matter how small or large) are answered (with a slight exception of one minor scene in which the audience is left to assume the answer). I feel that what’s more likely the case, here, is that certain people are either a) not satisfied with the answers, or b) not patient enough to find out the answers.
  2. The writers make it up as they go along: Also completely untrue, but, I understand that line of thinking. The show is quite complex, and they throw a lot at you all the time. Traditionally, with stories like this, and especially ones that air on network television have a tendency to do this to appease the audience or the the network itself. This is simply not the case with LOST. The several main series arcs were developed and completed during pre-production of season one by JJ Abrams, Damon Lindelof, and Carlton Cuse. These arcs follow this story faithfully until the series end. It is worth mentioning that while JJ Abrams produced the show, and directed the first two episodes, he had no further involvement beyond assisting in creating some of the overall narrative. It’s interesting to note, sometimes, that JJ Abrams gets credited for the “good” aspects of the show, and Damon Lindelof gets blame for the “bad” ones. As the main creators described the show’s progression and their deal with the network, to paraphrase, they had a deal with ABC to tell a set story in a fixed amount of episodes. They compared it as a trip from New York to LA. While the roadmap is planned, they will often take detours to landmarks that they didn’t think about when they initially planned the journey. That is to say, there are some side stories and characters they add that weren’t originally conceptualized, but it’s purposeful. Additionally, the full outline of each season was completed during production of the prior season, without regard to fan reaction. This is important as it shows the creators did not simply change aspects of the show or add/remove characters based on network/public pressure; they had a story to tell and they told it.
  3. The ending was bad: this is perhaps the most divisive argument that arose from the conclusion of the series. Truthfully, I don’t know anyone personally that enjoyed the show from beginning to end only to be disappointed with the ending. I think, similar to an earlier point, casual watchers were expecting something else, but it’s a bit hard to believe considering the final season and ending was in line completely with the rest of the show. More frustrating, I think, was that there were a lot of viewers who watched the first season or two, then came back just to see the finale. You wouldn’t do this with a book or movie, so, I don’t really feel a need to argue this one further.
  4. Fans of the show take it too seriously: I mean, they’re not entirely incorrect. I think that detractors of the show tend to view LOST fans as sort of “holier-than-thou,” which I would argue is unfair. I don’t think that liking this show points to you being superior to people who don’t, though it is an intellectual show with a deep mythology at its core. I would argue, much like any fan of any show would, that it is an important show to its fans, but accusing fans of the show for thinking they’re superior to non-fans speaks more to the accuser than the one being accused.

I do think it’s important to understand that there are these strong opinions about the show before watching it, if for no other reason than to highlight how different LOST is from most other television series.

FOUR: Through the Looking Glass (This is my favorite show)

So, what’s left to say? I’m sorry, again, that I’m encouraging you to watch this show. As I’ve eluded to before, it is almost a religious thing, for me, and I do take it very personally. While I have some absolute favorite episodes, in my opinion, there aren’t any that are really less than great (which seems like a bold thing to admit). I have a habit of getting very defensive about this show because it is so close to my heart, and has affected me on many profound levels. While I love TV and movies (as you know), there isn’t really anything out there that I think has compared to my experience with this. I would only ask that you be respectful of that.

EPILOGUE: The Cost of Living (Hopes & Expectations)

So, if you are to seriously start watching this show, I would please ask that you respect a few simple guidelines that I strongly believe would maximize your experience:

  1. The first three episodes should be watched back-to-back. While the show only lists the first two episodes as “the Pilot,” it’s really the first three. This is a bit of a commitment, but, obligatory.
  2. Do not watch an episode during which there’s a possibility of being distracted. Every episode, in my opinion, should be watched as if it were a movie. Cell phones off, no walking out of the theater, etc. There are a great many small details that can too easily go unnoticed if you walk away even for a minute.
  3. Avoid spoilers at all costs:
    • Do not tell anyone else you’re watching the show. It’s been out long enough where something can and will be easily spoiled.
    • Do not look for anything LOST-related on the internet. Same rule as above.
    • If streaming, do not read the descriptions of the episodes you haven’t seen. Some services are better about this than others, but ABC had a wonderful habit during the show’s initial run where they would surprise you with commercials for what was coming up in the show and they’d ultimately spoil things; Netflix descriptions are not unlike this.
    • This is a suspense show, so, if you’re into spoilers, I guess… what’s the point of watching this? A wonderful thing about the show is not knowing what’s about to happen. So, eliminating that aspect sort of nullifies a big part of the entertainment value. If someone spoils something for you, let me know who it is and I’ll take care of them.
  4. We should attempt to discuss each episode (or series of episodes) individually. If you’re reading this, then you know I’ve made a commitment to watch alongside in this endeavor, and each episode has enough content to where we can discuss them one at a time.

So, my friend (who is about to watch LOST), thank you, namaste, and good luck.

Revenge

Sorry I was out for a bit; had a cold.

Really, though: four years? If there’s anything I’ve learned in that time, it’s that I don’t make excuses. I make justifications, which are totally and completely different. I don’t even need to reference a dictionary (or wiktionary). That’s how confident I am.

Not that I needed to do this, but I did think back on the last time I posted, and I noticed some eerie coincidences that happened to coincide with the sudden drop-off:

  • My son was born
  • I started a new job
  • I moved to Waukegan
  • I started blogging over at Static & Distortion (where I also contribute to a podcast)
  • Normal relations between the US and Cuba resumed

Again, coincidences (or are they)?

I want to believe.

Regardless of what the title of this post implies, I’m starting this up again for reasons that are totally not related to revenge. It has nothing to do with a certain friend starting their own certain new blog about certain things. It would never have anything to do with that and I think this is just another fake-news-false-flag-personal-foul created by social/news media.

So, what am I going to be writing about? I mean, probably the same stuff I used to. And, I’m not gonna pretend to remember what that was, nor am I going to actually look at my old posts to figure that out either.

Instead, for now, I’ll just say THANK YOU to apparently the people who have still regularly been visiting my blog (can you believe I’ve actually still been getting traffic? I mean, I can. But, can you?) and I’ll share my latest Spotify Mega-Playlist with you. My 22nd. You’ve really missed a lot. Apology accepted.

Aaron Month One: Scholarship

We’ve decided to continue our grand tradition we carried for Juliet for her first 12 months, wherein on each month we take an official month progress photo that relates to a theme. Sometimes I pick, and sometime Sam does. This time around I won the honor of picking first.

Scholarship:

Month One (Text)

 

 

For comparison, here’s what Juliet’s was:

Month-One

2013 Film Year in Review

2013 was the 7th year now that I’ve kept extensive track of what movies (and sometimes television series) I’ve watched for ultra-fun stat tracking purposes. It’s become a time-honored tradition (some say going back as far as the advent of celebrating the new year itself) to post the highlights of these findings on whatever blog I’m using at the time.

I do this for a couple reasons.

One, it makes it seem like all my meticulous and diligent work has paid off, and everyone can bask in the intrigue and sheer wonder of my lists.

And two, it–more than any singular review of a movie I can write–gives an honest look into what I actually think about what I watch. A lot of folks, from a glance, can get the impression I don’t like much, or am ultra-critical. This list serves as some hard proof that lo, I do like things, and it turns out (as it always has) that I like quite a bit more than I don’t.

So, what’s up 2013? You can check out my full list by clicking here to access the public file.

Top 10 First-Watch Movies of 2013

  1. The Long Goodbye (1973, Altman): A
  2. The Passion of Anna (1969, Bergman): A
  3. Django Unchained (2012, Tarantino): A
  4. Election (1999, Payne): A
  5. Midnight Cowboy (1969, Schlesinger): A-
  6. The Master (2012, Anderson): A-
  7. Wings of Desire (1987, Wenders): A-
  8. The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark (1980, Bennett): A-
  9. Frances Ha (2012, Baumbach): A-
  10. Blue Valentine (2012, Cianfrance): B+

Wow. Lots of good stuff there. It’s really hard to order those when 9 of those are so damn good. Brief liner note, is that Hamlet there was indeed a stage production, but it was shot as a movie, and it had its own director and everything, so I’m counting it as a movie. What’s even more interesting, is that beyond the top 9 A/A-, there were 12 movies this year I gave a B+. Was Blue Valentine the “best B+”? I dunno, I guess. But other notables here include: Amour, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, Roman Holiday, Life of Pi, Burma VJ, Enemies of the People, The Imposter, Ponyo, Upstream Color, and My Left Foot. A large portion of these, too, are ripped directly from the movie club I was in all year. So, if there’s one takeaway, being in that club really forced me to watch some great things (and some really, really terrible things).

Top 10 Worst First-Watch Movies of 2013

  1. Paranormal Activity 4 (2012, Joost): D-
  2. C.H.U.D. (1984, Cheek): D-
  3. Silent Hill Revelation 3D (2012, Bassett): D
  4. V/H/S (2012, Miska): D
  5. Bellflower (2011, Glodell): D+
  6. The Experiment (2010, Scheuring): C-
  7. Brother Bear (2003, Blaise): C-
  8. Mama (2012, Muschietti): C-
  9. Hara-Kiri Death of a Samurai (2011, Miike): C
  10. Hamlet (1996, Branagh): C

As always, there’s not a lot to say here. These movies sucked hard, and none of it was all that surprising. I feel like I’m being a little generous for some of these, too. Is Paranormal probably an F? Probably.

2013 Films Themselves

  1. Evil Dead: B
  2. Man of Steel: C+
  3. Pacific Rim: B
  4. Star Trek Into Darkness: B
  5. Upstream Color: B+

Yeah, I only watched 5 movies released in 2013, and their average was a B. As is pretty apparent, I’m usually about a year behind in terms of theatrical releases, so my post next year should better illustrate what actually happened this year.

Hard Data

All in all, I watched 119 separate titles this year. As always, I include an entire television series watched either on video or streaming as 1 entry in the list (this has been my rule for better or worse for many, many years). Believe it or not, this is somehow actually down from last year’s 126. I really thought I watched more this year, honest! As is also a fun tradition, I kept track of the episode totals and run-times of the television series I watched, and all in all I watched 7295min of television series, which breaks down to 121.58hrs. If you consider the average movie length is 2hrs, then this works out to the equivalent of about 61 movies. And, now graphs!

2013 Titles by Genre2013 Titles by Grade 2013 Titles by Decade

Worth noting is that I stopped categorizing things as either “Foreign” or “Classic”, as I felt this lessened their importance by attaching those labels specifically. So, I instead categorized them by what they actually were, like Drama or Comedy etc. Obviously I watched a lot of “Family” movies this year, and I think this is really the heart of the problem: I only watched movies Juliet wanted to watch. So, instead of seeing a bunch of new movies, I watched Hercules 350 times. I really should’ve kept track of how many times I had to watch through her favorite family films, I bet my actual total would be closer to 55,000.

Good luck, 2014.

Quick Review: “Whores’ Glory”

It’s been a while since we had a documentary, hasn’t it? At least, I think that was the thinking behind this week’s relatively-fair-rated Whores’ Glory.

Really, it’s an okay watch, very average (in a very true sense). It’s presented in three acts, following the prostitution scene in three economically-broken regions of the world. With what you’d imagine would be a pretty easy setup to a straightforward narrative about either a) the nature of relationships or b) ghettos are terrible to live in, you actually kind of end up with neither. For how easy it’d seem to be, the director seems to really fight presenting the material in a fashion which would lead you to any singular solid conclusion about what exactly it is he’s trying to say. The whole thing feels pretty disjointed, forced, and a lot of it is largely uninteresting (sadly).

There’s a really great documentary out there called The Great Happiness Space, that follows the workings of a typical “host club” in Japan. What that film gives you is a delicately woven narrative that shines a light underneath the surface of what it means to spend most of your free time paying for the company of others, and leads one through a very personal and fascinating essay on much more than just the business itself.

That movie this is not. Most of it is just a camera pointed at various brothels, saying “okay, this is what it’s like here,” and you pretty much respond, “okay.” There are a few really key powerful moments though, and overall the directing is actually pretty solid, but it does seem unnatural and forced most of the time.

Also, Bangladesh is pretty screwed and no one is happy about it, in case you forgot.

In conclusion, while not a total waste of time, it is a pretty big missed opportunity on the rather easy target of this subject matter.

Final grade: C+ (go see Great Happiness Space instead)

Off The Grid

Hey guys. I know, I know: why am I posting something other than a quick movie review? What? I can’t be spontaneous every once in a while? Try and rekindle the dying flame that is my love of keeping you on your toes and your love of sometimes being kept on your toes?

Actually, just wanted to do a quick update to advise that I took myself off of that old facebook thing. Long time coming, see how it goes. If you’re one of the types that would take offense to something like that, I mean, try not to. I mean, for Pete’s sake, I used the word “advise” in a non-payroll related context; I’m clearly trying here.

According to my calculations, your SUI rate is just over 12 billion percents

Also, I wanted to share music (like I used to!):

Quick Review: “Bad Lieutenant”

I’m gonna say right off the bat that I find the 1992 dark crime drama Bad Lieutenant really hard to critique objectively.

As a film, it’s really pretty effective. It’s set up mostly in two acts, with the first act breaking you down as a viewing audience, overloading you with extremes in the seedier aspects of criminal life in the city (in the early 90’s). What makes these scenes particularly (purposely) unbearable is that the director waits until it’s just a bit too uncomfortable, then keeps filming for a few more minutes. It’s a style that’s hard to digest, but like I said, effective.

The second half unfurls the allegorical narrative and follows the character’s spiral until its eventual end, and it’s a poignant ending I happened to dig.

Overall, though, it’s pretty hard to recommend. The acting is phenomenal, obviously. In terms of direction, personally I thought the method was a bit too excessive, but that might just be taste. It’s something I wouldn’t readily recommend to anyone who didn’t know exactly what they were getting into, as the film stands more as an art piece, experimental even in nature, and it’d help to be in the right frame of mind before watching it.

Unfortunately, my system dictates that I have to letter-grade it, so: B

I wouldn’t recommend looking for video on it.

(Not sure if Keitel’s crying raised or lowered that letter grade… it’s just so damn weird)

Quick Review: “The Experiment (2010)”

Eh, so back into the mix with normal quick reviews again. Here to redeem himself this week is the same feller who picked V/H/S, last time, so, not a very high bar to hurdle to say the least (you hurdle bars, right?) So he picked 2010 adaptation of an adaptation of a real life psychological experiment called (aptly) The Experiment. It stars Adrian Brody and Forest Whitaker, and isn’t anything worth running out for.

If you’re unfamiliar, there was a very real psychological experiment (back before there were ethical standards for psychological experiments which now prohibit subjects from being in danger of any mental or physical harm) done back in 1971 known widely as the Stanford Prison Experiment. They took 24 volunteers who passed tests to ensure they weren’t raging lunatics, then randomly assigned 12 of them the roles of being guards, and 12 the roles of inmates and told them to play prison for two weeks. After the first day there were riots, and in the following days degrading and humiliating practices were put in place against the “prisoners” (Abu Graib style) and the study ended after 6 days only after the professor’s wife insisted that it stop (the professor, by the way, had made himself “prison warden” during the ordeal”). So, it’s a lot of fun, and shows that as humans, we’re pretty screwed, and that’s all well and good, but this movie–with Adrian and Forest–is it any good? Nah.

Not really. Most of the performances seem uninvolved and disconnected, and outside of a very small handful of hard-to-watch scenes, the movie plays out pretty predictably and uninterestingly. It seems like kind of a betrayal to the very real ramifications of psychological testing when you take these characters and scenarios and blow them waaay out of proportion. You have Adrian as the ultra-righteous Buddhist, and Forest as the ultra-crazy Christian conservative, and, *sigh*, yeah. Yay black and white good vs. evil. All the other characters are plain and one-dimensional, and we’re not left with any sort of notable resolution. Actually, scratch that. The resolution they give us is incorrect. Generally, the best you can say about the actual Stanford experiment is that when given roles, people play the hell out of them and it compromises basic human integrity. The worst you can say, obviously, is that humans are totally boned as a species and we will let any bit of power go to our heads unchecked and we’re all Nazis given the chance. What the movie’s conclusion is, is that we’re still better than caged animals because we have the choice to do something about it.

Actually, what’s interesting is that they mention that the guy on the left here is ACTUALLY a neo-nazi who went to prison before. At one point toward the end, he rises up against the nazi-like guards in some sort of weird unintentional irony, where the director wants you to root for the nazi against the nazi’s. Right?

Seriously, that’s what Adrian Brody says on the bus ride home from the prison (after people have died in his arms and stuff). Why does he say that? I dunno. The conclusion is largely vague and unsatisfactory, in that it doesn’t delve into the actual relative psychology of the experiment itself, it just sorta, ends, with Brody getting the girl. And I think someone got prosecuted or something. It kinda glosses over that.

Final grade: C (better than V/H/S)