Watching Movies with your Daughter: A Study

For exactly one year, I’ve decided to keep a record of every time I either chose to or was forced to sit down and watch a movie that my daughter insisted on watching. I felt that last year, the reason I wasn’t watching as many movies as I normally would, was because I had to watch the same movie with her dozens of times over, thus eating into my own movie-watching experience.

Here are the results:

In short, her old favorites Coraline and Paranorman (both Laika films) beat out the expected Frozen. Worth noting is that I didn’t include single-watch features (there were several).

Oh and the total? 264, and with there being 42 unique films on the list, 222 of those times were a time I’d already seen the movie at least once. If the average movie length is 1:30:00, that’s 396 hours of time spent watching movies with my daughter.

I think the data speaks for itself.

Juliet’s 3rd Birthday Wish List

To my family and friends, thank you for taking the time to find your way to this humble corner of the internet that Juliet’s Birthday List would like to call home. With the big day fast approaching, I’ve had time to reflect on the importance of this event, and what it means to me personally.

You see, one of the first memories I have stored deep within the warmest parts of my hippocampus is that of my third birthday. I remember specifically thinking, man, this is my favorite birthday. Much better than my second. Which means, naturally, that at that young age I could totally remember back to my second birthday, though I can’t now.

Hippocampus (pictured above)

And now it’s Juliet’s turn. Will this be the greatest birthday she ever has? The choice is ours.

Samantha recently (and quite by accident, I assure you) sent out a pre-first draft version of a birthday wish list outlining a few items that without any great effort one could’ve likely assumed naturally. The purpose of this blog is to serve as la maison de la créativité. That is to say, one should read this list and walk away feeling inspired, humbled, and with sense of purpose. Some of you will be traveling–not unlike the wisemen to the baby Jesus–to celebrate with Juliet in person, and others, unfortunately will not be able to see her (maybe ever). Regardless of who you are, I invite you to take a look into the future with me:

(NOTE: As always, we must ask that participants refrain from presenting Juliet with anything haunted or otherwise cursed. Once, Samantha believes that a spirit aligned itself with a toy we had in our old home. The identity of this spirit or its dark motives have never been revealed, but some ancient astronaut theorists believe that spirits can lie dormant within an object for years, patiently awaiting the presence of another like-minded spirit to come within range, at which point the dormant spirit awakes. Do any of our worldly possessions contain such an entity? I think you’ll agree it’s best not to test our fates on such an important day).

(ALSO NOTE: While this list may seem extensive and Christmas-list like, it merely exists to provide ideas. Does she need everything on this list? What in life does one need?)

MEDIA

Juliet is no stranger to the fine arts. Growing up in our culture-rich post-Rolling Meadows society has given her a taste of la bonne vie, and there’s ever a shortage of that with which we entertain in our household.

All that remains

When it comes down to brass tacks, we’d rather her receive toys instead of movies. Here are movies, though:

DVDs or Blu-Rays:

– My Neighbor Totoro
– Any of the Toy Story’s
– The Nightmare Before Christmas
– Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
– Classic Looney Tunes Collections
– A Bug’s Life
– Up!
– The Incredibles
– Fantasia/Fantasia 2000
– The Emperor’s New Groove
– The LEGO Movie
– Wreck-it Ralph
– Paranorman

TOYS & THINGS

Like any child, Juliet spends the vast majority of her waking hours in a make-believe imaginarium reenacting various fanciful adventures with what little she has.

And, while as parents we can’t be there to entertain her directly, we can fund her creativity by supplying her with a new range of toys:

(NOTE: Samantha has suggested Barbie related paraphernalia. And, while she’s entitled to her opinion, this revised list reflects my attitude towards her suggestion)

– Mr. and/or Mrs. Potato Head
– “Leap Explorer Games” ages 3-5 compatible with a Leap Pad II
– Dolls/doll clothes. Anything in the Disney Princess/Disney Jr. lines would be put to good use.
– Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys
– Cthulhu related items
– Toy appliances
– Glow-in the dark stars for her ceiling
– Puzzles (age appropriate)
– Magnet letters/numbers for alphabetting

Will she be forced to play with this blue string forever?

CLOTHES

Sometimes, the greatest gift of all is just clothes.

– Socks. She always seems to lose socks. Other than this she might actually currently have enough stock.
– Dress-up clothes. Juliet’s at this age now, and this would be fun, one would think.

MISC

Yes, it’s true, Juliet’s only a toddler. Does this mean she can’t legally use cash and gift cards in business transactions? I have no idea. What I do know, is that this should not bear any weight on whether or not you are able to give these to her instead of the above suggestions. I personally know that Juliet understands that money exists, as she often tries to convince Samantha and I to leave stores with her to-be purchases without getting in line to buy them. Should you have read through this post and thought, “No”, then I’d encourage you to explore this as an alternative option.

Thank you again for taking the time to read this. I know many of you would’ve kept reading, had this gone on for a few dozen more pages (and believe me, early drafts of this post did indeed run that long), but I’ve decided to present a list that fits within the confines of reality to some large degree. Will her 3rd birthday be the greatest day of her life? Time shall tell.

The Static

Hi friendly friends, I think I forgot to mention that I do a side blog/podcast on the regular with my two chums Robert and John. The blog is called Static and Distortion, and the podcast (the main attraction) is entitled The Static. It’s discussions and news about music, and it’s generally a lot of fun if you’re into that sort of thing.

You can feel free to check it out here and support a good cause:

 

Static and Distortion

Some LOST Phone Themes

“Theming” as far as Android phones goes has been in my blood for many, many years. I haven’t done any official calculations, but I’d guess that roughly 75% of the time I spend on my phone is spent customizing the phone itself. I don’t say this proudly, in the same way that a man whose hobby is photographing birds doesn’t go around bragging about it (one assumes).

That said, I’ve made more of an effort to actually officializing my themes, which if nothing else,  keeps me from changing them on a weekly (or… daily) basis.

I’ve done two recently, both LOST related.

The Island

 

DHARMA

 

Both are done with the stock launcher (I’m a bit of a purist). I use the Desktop Visualizer app pretty heavily, with the contacts page being one-click speed dials, same case for the live apps page.

In any case, probably won’t follow this up with another LOST theme… which leaves me to wonder… what’s next?

THE 30 WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME

A long time ago, I published an unexpectedly controversial list of the top 25 worst Christmas songs ever written, recorded, then churned out to the masses. As accurate as the list was, some took issue with it. This was to be somewhat expected, though the undying love for “Santa Baby” and “Dominick the Completely Culturally Sensitive Donkey” caught me a little off guard.

Also catching me off guard, was that folks had seemingly ignored the fact that I posted a counterpoint list of the top 25 best songs. I guess the two lists found trouble reconciling each other, and now we’re left with Christmas-shaped debits and credits all over the place.

Well, good news! I’ve moved on and updated BOTH lists so that they are now TOP 30’s! I’d like to pretend it was just as easy to find 5 more Christmas songs I love as it was to find 5 more I can’t stand, but that’d be pretty impossible. Anyway, objectively:

30. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (listen)

The story of Rudolph was initially commissioned by retail mogul Montgomery Ward who needed a new Christmas folk character to sell copyrighted merchandise and make untold fortunes for the Christmas of 1939 and beyond. Often used as a tool to prod children into dressing up in costume and singing in front of gatherings of obligated parental figures, the song has a tendency to push all the wrong buttons. It ham-fistedly addresses the difficulties of not fitting in, and throws in a very 40’s American moral of “prove yourself a hero and your differences won’t matter,” which of course tragically turned out to be untrue. I think if you’re maybe 5, or 6, I could see the appeal of this song. Rudolph is a fun character and he’s special and he saves Christmas and you get to wear antlers. If you’re older than 6, though, the magic should pretty quickly fade into disdain.

Worst Line: “Then all the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee”

29. Deck the Halls (listen)

The epitome of Welsh yuletide classics, Deck the Halls (or Deck the Hall, depending on how far back you want to go) was never meant to be translated into English. It was part of a random collection of Welsh carols from the 19th century, then one Scotsman decided it just had to be in English, but there was no way to appropriately translate the sheer joy and emotion behind “fa la la la la la la la la” so that stayed as it was. I dunno, it’s just so hard to get behind a song that’s played so bombastically when literally every other line is the exact same “fa la la la la la la la la”. It’s a lot like The 12 Days of Christmas in that way, where it will destroy any Christmas spirit you’re trying to nurture by bludgeoning you with needless repetition.

Worst Line: “Fa la la, la la la, la la la”

28. Step Into Christmas (listen)

It’s sad, because I actually dig Elton John, especially golden era Elton John from whence this Christmas track comes. I guess some musical artists are just swept away by the season and they end up recording tragically uncomfortable party holiday music. Wham! is a good example, as is Paul McCartney. But much like their two contributions to the canon, it comes off as “hey I had a melody for a song I wanted to use on the last album, but it wasn’t really great, so I guess I’ll just use it for a bonus Christmas track I’m gonna make up right now”.

Worst Line: “Step into Christmas, the admission’s free”

27. Mary’s Little Boy Child (listen)

There’s just something about Calypso music that screams “please don’t use me for Christmas music,” and when composer Jester Hairston wrote it, he absolutely didn’t. He wrote a Calypso song for a Calypso-themed party he was going to about whatever. Then some time later, someone else entirely decided they were going to adapt it for Christmas and have their choir sing it all the time. Then Harry Belafonte heard it and must have thought, “well this is just too perfect to be true.” But it wasn’t, Harry. It wasn’t then, and it wasn’t when Boney M tried it. As it turns out, America wasn’t just one song away from a huge untapped Christmas Calypso explosion, so we’re left with this one awkward ghost of Belafonte past.

Worst Line: “So the Holy Bible say”

26. Ding Dong Merrily on High (listen)

See? Not all 16th century British carols are infallible. The problem with carol collections, is that they’re put together by collectors. And, as is the nature of their work, they are collecting every example of whatever it is their looking for (in this case carols). And this is most definitely a carol, however I’d be inclined to think it’s one meant more to be left on the shelf than actually performed and listened to. The writing is (intentionally?) silly and can’t be taken seriously on any level. I don’t want to say it’s lazy, because it’s probably meant to just be silly and casual, but it sure sounds lazy. A lot of old carols were left in the hallowed halls of history, why wasn’t this one?

Worst Line: “Let steeple bells be swungen, and lo io io, by priest and people sungen.”

25. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree (listen)

For a song that claims to be all about rockin’, there sure is an awful lot of swing on display here. Introduced in the late 50’s to capitalize on the rock ‘n roll movement that was sweeping the nation, this is a classic example of trying too hard to merchandise a holiday to the new generation. It’s exactly what people who didn’t like rock ‘n roll wanted rock ‘n roll to sound like.

Worst Line: “Everyone’s dancing merrily in a new old fashioned way”

24. We Need a Little Christmas (listen)

Actually from the 1966 musical Mame, the annoying number at its best is used ironically, which should tell you quite a bit. I never saw Mame, but the synopsis I read makes it seem like Mary Poppins if it Mary was an out-of-touch socialite instead of a magical nanny, which naturally sounds, you know, pretty bad. As bad as the song would suggest? Sadly I don’t think I’ll ever find out.

Worst Line: “And we need a little snappy Happy-ever-after”

23. Up on the Housetop (listen)

Here we see the meeting of two great evils: Burl Ives (the singer); and Johnny Marks, writer of many a terrible Christmas tune (including Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, Silver and Gold, Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree, and of course this number). It has all the feeling of a creepy distant relative imparting a tale onto you in a manner that’s way too comfortable, but really too silly to get offended by outright.

Worst Line: “Ho, ho ho! Who wouldn’t go? Ho, ho ho! Who wouldn’t go?”

22. A Holly Jolly Christmas (listen)

Sticking with Ives for a second, this is the title track on what is a truly terrible Christmas album from 1965. Fortunately unless you go out and try to by this album, you’ll never get the chance to hear forgotten Ives renditions such as Snow For Johnny, and Christmas Can’t Be Far Away. I’m sure they’re great. The one good thing about this song is that it’s laughably short, consisting of only two verses that are each only four lines long.

Worst Line: “Somebody waits for you. Kiss her once for me!”

21. Mary Did You Know? (listen)

Michael English debuted this oddly serious love song on his debut album aptly titled Michael English back in 1992. Don’t know Michael English? Don’t worry, no one does. The song actually only got popular after good ‘ol Kenny Rogers sang it in 1997 and got it popular on pop country radio stations, because it’s a country song, apparently. It’s also really bad, and mixes Christmas reverence with smooth R&B. Oh, also, Clay Aiken did a version of it. Also, points to this song for rhyming “God” with “trod”.

Worst Line: “Did you know that your Baby Boy is heaven’s perfect Lamb? The sleeping Child you’re holding is the Great, I Am.”

20. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (listen)

This one really borders on “novelty” Christmas music, as it’s sung from the perspective of a genuinely naive child who upon seeing his mother in the midst of a torrid affair with an old man is to laugh it off, and chalk it up to the “gee willikers” category. Look, 1950s, I know you think you’re morally superior to me, but there’s no way you can tell me that the father’s reaction to his son’s confession if his wife truly were kissing some other guy would be laughter. Also, stop having your children sing on the radio and then waiting forever for someone else to make it a “Motown Classic.”

Worst Line: Oh, what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen”

19. Where Are You Christmas? (listen)

You know, it’s just a poorly written song. It was written for a terrible Hollywood movie remake and sounds like it was, too. The Grinch was offensive on a lot of levels, but mostly that it treaded upon some very respected ground. They weren’t just remaking a Christmas movie, they were trying to rake in profits on a beloved Dr. Seuss classic. This song exemplifies that profiteering trend, and is also sung by Faith Hill. It really has no redeeming qualities.

Worst Line: “If there is love in your heart and your mind, you will feel like Christmas all the time!”

18. Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane) (listen)

This one’s actually a bit of a conundrum, since this bouncy tune has been sung by a bunch of my favorite artists, including Elvis, Doris Day, and even Bob Dylan. And while they do their best, the song is still in the same vein as Rudolph or Frosty (even sung by the same original artist), and can’t shake that department store Christmas aura about it, no matter who’s singing.

Worst Line: “Santa Claus knows we’re all God’s children, that makes everything right.”

17. The Twelve Days Of Christmas (listen)

Oh Twelve Days of Christmas, I’ve never liked you. This oft-spoofed practice in mind-numbing repetition has spawned more songs mocking it then any other Christmas song I can think of, and for good reason: it literally lists twelve nonsensical items on a list of no discernible origin, and does so without changing melody for minutes on end. It’s actually one of only a couple traditional songs (this one dates back as early as the 18^th century) that I simply will not tolerate in any form, though the more modern versions (the ones that replace “partridge in a pear tree” with “a song for the Christmas tree”) are slightly more grating.

Worst Line: “Eight maids a-milking”

16. Jingle Bell Rock (listen)

Much like with Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree (it also makes mention of “the hop”), the song was written in the late 50’s to try to make Christmas seem hip to what I’m now assuming were greasers. I’m not the biggest fan of Jingle Bells to begin with, but I certainly wouldn’t say it needed an edgy update of any sort. Nowadays it’s associated more with awkward and obligatory office parties, which makes sense: it’s the perfect song for when you want to pretend you’re having fun, but secretly detest the occasion.

Worst Line: “Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet”

15. The Little Drummer Boy (listen)

Almost everything about this song is offensive to me. It was written in the 40’s and recorded by the Trapp Family Singers, which should tell you pretty much everything you need to know about the song’s moral high ground. It’s got that weird church (read: not Christian, per se) sensibility to it, where we’re supposed to feel humbled by a poor kid playing his drum for a baby, and the baby smiling in approval. I fail to see an appropriate moral lesson here one can take away, but beyond that it’s just a lousy song. Its repetitious nature is the key problem, but fundamentally it’s impossible to make a song sound good when you have the single most annoying repeating line in Christmas song history.

Worst Line: “Pa rum pum pum pum”

14. Mele Kalikimaka (listen)

And so begins my tour of Christmas On the Go! Or, songs that try to teach its audience that Christmas is the same all over the world. Bing Crosby did the most notable version of this song, but it’s been covered by several notables who cater specifically to the person that likes Christmas, but hates all the aspects that one normally associates with the holiday, like, you know, snow, and things. The Blue Hawaiians did a cover, as did Genoa Keawe, which makes sense, but most listening to it agree more with the, say, Jimmy Buffet mentality there, and that mentality is not something I ever want to associate with Christmas.

Worst Line: “We send to you from the land where palm trees sway”

13. Feliz Navidad (listen)

And now we journey to Mexico! Actually Puerto Rico is where José Feliciano is from, and he would probably have to agree that Puerto Rico is most certainly not Mexico. Again, written with all the intention of having a Spanish language Christmas song break into pop holiday culture (one assumes), the song soon became ridiculously popular with American listeners. Much like Mele Kalikimaka, the song traditionally exists to fill that globetrotting Christmas niche, and otherwise would be okay if it weren’t a 1970’s pop song. Gimmicky 1970’s pop songs, by the way, are somehow not the best Christmas songs.

Worst Line: “Feliz navidad. Feliz navidad. Feliz navidad.”

12. Donde Esta Santa Claus? (listen)

Okay, really though, this one is a terrible gimmick. Sung by child-star Augie Rios in the 1950s (doubled with long-forgotten single I Don’t Care Who You Are Old Fatso, Get Those Reindeer Off My Roof… seriously) this song is pretty cringe-worthy, if for no other reason than the 1950s refuses to have adults sing their novelty Christmas music. The Rios version, though, isn’t the worst (if you can believe it). That title goes to 70’s train wreck Charo. I wouldn’t even dare you to listen to that catastrophe.

Worst Line: “Ole! Ole! Ole! Cha cha cha!

11. Same Old Lang Syne (listen)

Long-time radio personality Delilah loves this song, mostly because it’s meant specifically for the demographic of the tragically-alone middle aged lovelorn (a demographic Delilah can represent with both hands tied behind her back). It tells a sentimental and often creepy story of a man who runs into his old lover in a grocery store, then gets drunk with her in his car and she leaves him alone as it begins to rain. Worth noting is that the writer of the song based it on events that actually happened to him in good ‘ol Peoria Illinois, which somehow makes it even more pathetic. The upside to this song is that it’s unwittingly pretty funny, though still impossible to take seriously and/or listen to more than once in your life.

Worst Line: “I stole behind her in the frozen foods and touched her on the sleeve”

10. Grown Up Christmas List (listen)

This trite bit of hollow rubbish wasn’t even a Christmas song when it was originally released, believe it or not. It was bound to disappear into nothingness until one Amy Grant decided to include it on her 1992 Christmas album and its death was unfortunately waived. As Wikipedia would describe it, it’s about “a visit with Santa Claus by an adult who does not ask Santa for anything material for Christmas, but rather nothing but good things for all humanity.” How quaint. It’s one of those easy little “let’s all remember that Christmas is about more than presents” kind of things that people listen to and to which they pretend to feel good about themselves. It’s sappy and pretty unbearable, so, thanks Amy Grant.

Worst Line: “Packages and bows can never heal a hurting human soul”

09. The Christmas Shoes (listen)

So in 2002, terrible pop-country Christian group NewSong tried to ruin Christmas music forever by releasing The Christmas Shoes, a song that details the perils of retail intertwined with cancer, and ultimately death. In a nutshell, the song tells a story of a poor kid trying to buy some dress shoes for his mom who’s dying at home of cancer but doesn’t have enough money, and the person behind him is so moved by his plea for charity that he buys the kid the shoes and learns a lesson or something. It’s actually pretty disgraceful, in that the real story here is that A)it teaches that retail clerks are complete jerks and won’t help a kid out because rules are rules or something, and B)that you should ignore the fact that the kid even feels the need to go out and buy shoes for his mom in the first place. No, forget here that this kid was persuaded by the capitalist tendencies of the holiday to go out and spend money rather than stay at home with family. Yeah, just forget all about that. Also thanks CBS for making a made-for-TV movie out of it with Rob Lowe. That was the real Christmas miracle.

Worst Line: “I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight”

08. Do They Know It’s Christmas (listen)

Speaking of righteous pleas for charity, Band Aid recorded a song in the 1980s to get people to donate money for the famine in Ethiopia. A fair cause indeed, but much like their other notable single (We Are The World) it’s quite difficult to listen to a bunch of ultra-rich celebrities sing a pop number yelling at me for being so greedy. Fine, Band Aid! Take a donation, just stop singing this very 80s pop song at me in the middle of Silent Night and Silver Bells! It comes off as pretentious, and I think a lot of the message is lost somewhere in the feel-good, poppy chorus. It’s also got pretty terrible writing, which isn’t too out of character for music of the day.

Worst Line: “Here’s to you, raise your glass for everyone. Here’s to them, underneath that burning sun”

07. Last Christmas (listen)

And speaking of just straight-awful 80s music that tries to pass itself off as Christmas music, George Michael of Wham! decided to throw his party hat into the ring with a song I wouldn’t know is about Christmas if it weren’t such a prominent lyric. Actually I’m not really sure what this song is about, outside a drunken love note to someone he can’t get over. The song contradicts itself a lot with truly lazy writing so it’s hard to get what Michael is going for here, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter. I’m fairly certain it’s not about Christmas. I’m pretty sure it’s about clubbing.

Worst Line: “I’m hiding from you and your soul of ice”

06. Santa Baby (listen)

I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who actually liked this song. Okay, that’s not true. I’ve met a lot of people who’ve described this song as “cute”. Everything about this song rubs me the wrong way: from the sexualization of Old Saint Nick, to the idea that all women are gold diggers, to the shudder-worthy Betty Boop voice that must be used when singing. Appropriately, Madonna did the most notable version of this abomination, though it was actually first recorded 30 years earlier by Eartha Kitt (a more listenable version, but still pretty bad). I guess the song makes sense in the 50s, because back then all women were terrible (I’m just going off of what the songs are teaching me here), but to think that artists are still covering it (artists like Taylor Swift, who also did a version of Last Christmas because she hates Christmas THAT MUCH) is pretty unforgivable.

Worst Line: Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring, I don’t mean on a phone”

05. The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late) (listen)

This one shouldn’t take too much explaining. The chipmunk fad was one of those inexplicable sensations that swept America like a plague of bad taste and lingered for far too long. The gimmick of taking a song and speeding up the playback to give the impression of singing while inhaling helium was not only a bad idea, but all the rage when it hit the scene in the late 50s. Having children sing Christmas songs is bad enough, but to have anthropomorphic chipmunks sing in a helium-voice while their manager yells at them in the background is purely torture, and torture that lasts for over two minutes.  I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, but if you can even make it past the intro, you’ll know how long this feels. Also, apparently an updated 2007 rock version exists because of the Chipmunks movie remake. Thanks, Hollywood.

Worst Line: Want a plane that loops the loop, I still want a hula hoop

04. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas (listen)

Ah, child singing sensations. Rather, child singing sensations that are only regionally successful… in their region of Oklahoma. Such was the case for 10 year old Gayla Peevy when this song was released in 1953. The only good that ever came out of this song was that a local zoo used it to lobby for a hippopotamus addition to their collection, and eventually got it. The hippo eventually died, but this song lived on as a terrible example of what happens when we put 10 year olds from Oklahoma in front of a microphone and press record.

Worst Line: “There’s lots of room for him in our two-car garage, I’d feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage”

03. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer (listen)

Oh stereotypes, you should be in more Christmas music. At least, that’s what the thinking was back in 1979 when Elmo Shropshire recorded this redneck family favorite. It was a novelty song, sure, but that really uncomfortable kind of novelty song that brings upon a great sadness. Do people out there think this is funny? Sure they do. You know that family member that always tells all the unfunny and often off-color jokes that only he laughs at, way too loud, and way too long? He thinks this is funny. He heard it on a country radio station once in the 80s (as was tradition until the song was re-recorded in 1992, the song only appeared on country radio) and he could not stop laughing. Stupid rednecks are stupid, the song says. Merry Christmas.

Worst Line: “There were hoof prints on her forehead, and incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back”

02. Dominick the Donkey (The Italian Christmas Donkey) (listen)

I first heard this song when working in retail when I was only 17, and was immediately thankful that I had survived 17 years on this planet without ever having heard it before. It’s one of those rare songs that captures everything I detest in one package. Terrible 1960 novelty song? Check. Vaguely racist? Yep. Annoying animal sounds for the chorus? Why the hell not. It’s really got it all, and it’s all criminal. We had to listen to it many times over that particular holiday season, but even once is enough to get your blood boiling.

Worst Line: “Ching-a-di-ching HEE HAW HEE HAW!”

01.   All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth (listen)

I mean, how could this song NOT be number one? The ability for this song to crawl under your skin and make your nerves shake in turmoil is simply off the charts, and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the entire song is sung by a tone-deaf child with a lisp. In fact, I’m almost certain that’s what it is. It’s hard to even blame the original writer—an elementary school teacher—who wrote the song as a joke for his second grade class back in the 40s, and later even said in an interview that he didn’t understand why it became popular nationwide. It’s a mystery that persists to this day. Mystery or not, though, it’s still a national tragedy, and an unshakable scar that will haunt us every Christmas season.

Worst Line: “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, my two front teeth, see my two front teeth”

Right.

Now, just so you don’t go thinking that just because I wrote all of that it means that I don’t like Christmas music. It’s really quite the opposite! It’s just that since I wrote this list, the “30 BEST Christmas Songs of All Time” doesn’t seem as important. Until then, merry Christmas to all.

Good night.

The Disney Dilemma Part 2: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is Disney’s first foray into large-scale theatrical animated films, and its immediate success not only paved the way for Disney to continue their momentum, but also paved the way for animation to be a viable art form in terms of film. Developed at the height of the Great Depression, the movie was Disney’s gambit after experiencing some success on its long run of animated shorts. When it was finally released in 1938, it became the biggest hit of the year, more than quadrupling the box office profit than its closest rival.

Taking a cue from their earlier animated shorts, Snow White employs a healthy amount of memorable music and comical antics. Really, the movie was supposed to originally be entirely comedic, relying almost wholly on the wacky hijinks that the dwarfs would get into, until they decided to dial it back to about 50%, making the other half the bit loosely based on the Grimm fairytale. Actually, subtracting almost everything with the seven dwarfs, the movie actually gets pretty close to the source material. In the original, we get a bit more of the witch trying to kill Snow White, which you can either take or leave. Also, Disney opts not to include the ending where Snow White has her revenge by forcing the witch to dance in red-hot iron shoes until the witch dies (for more or less understandable reasons).

One thing that really is truly great about the movie is its ambitious and excellent art direction. The art is really incredible to watch on film, and the directing borrows a lot of elements from European directors of the same era. It’s hard to not be impressed by this when watching the film as a whole.

GRAND MISOGYNY: A PRODUCT OF ITS TIME ARGUMENT

Starting with Snow White, Disney’s core development team is known widely as the “nine old men,” as there were nine key animators and directors, all white males over the age of 30, who developed all the major Disney successes. Knowing this, it’s not too much a mystery as to why a great majority of these films have similar attitudes towards women, marriage, and family.

In the original story, Snow White’s father is still alive and in the picture. This is important, because this film starts a long-running trend of having a film in which there is either no mother, or an evil mother figure. This was true for Beauty and the Beast in part one, as well. Disney taking the father out of the picture is a curious choice, and reinforces their idea that Snow White is defenseless against this one evil mother (who is also a magical witch and a queen). And, on that note, it’s worth mentioning that the only two female characters in the movie don’t do any favors to Disney’s image of being completely misogynist all the time. One woman is an adolescent, naïve, helpless daydreamer whose only real desire in life is to have a handsome and rich man come save her. The other, of course, is an evil, vain, murderous witch (literally).

I’ve heard a great many arguments (not only limited to “Golden Age” Disney) that the portrayal of women and the ideals these movies impart are indeed wrong, but forgivable because they are a product of their time. While it’s true that Snow White was conceived and released in the ‘30s, and American family values were quite a bit different, it’s hard to argue that they were somehow better, and/or defensible. What I mean, is, it’s hard to argue that a woman’s place should be only at home, serving the men in her family; that a woman’s only goal in life should be to win a rich husband, or, for that matter, to fall in love. The “happily ever after” trope should be most easily recognizable as both a classic Disney standby, and as something that’s completely archaic and if anything, ridiculed.

Is it wrong to want to live happily ever after? Certainly not. Is it wrong to preach to little girls that the only way this is possible is to find a rich and handsome prince who will fall in love with you instantly and save you from your otherwise miserable life? Obviously.

And for that matter, this movie also starts a long tradition of setting up unreasonable roles and expectations for males. The prince’s role in this movie is pretty minimal, serving only as a tool to fall in love with and save the female lead. He does so with tremendous ease, maybe more so than any other Disney feature. So, there’s that: you will know immediately who you should fall in love with and marry simply by hearing them sing to a well (also, it’s okay to kiss dead women), but more than that, the implication is that to win the girl of your dreams, you should be both entirely handsome and wealthy. This sets up the now obvious paradigm that young girls are encouraged to be unreasonably beautiful and talented, and young boys need to unreasonably handsome and wealthy. Otherwise you’ll never find true love (which should be your only goal in life).

Now, as I mentioned, this was par for the course back in ‘30s America, and if the movie were only isolated to that decade it would still be a bad lesson, but it’s not confined to that decade. Snow White is still one of Disney’s popular princesses, and kids are still watching the movie and picking up on the now 75 year old lessons. I’d like to think that someday, kids will understand that this movie is from another point in time, where things were very different and to a large degree irresponsible, but as it is, Snow White is very much alive in the line-up with every other current Disney product.

AN ODD BALANCE

It’s really hard to pin down what’s actually going on in Snow White. Really, there’s a lot of bizarre pseudo-comedy mixed in even parts with dark drama, death, and romance. If it seems like a lot of it doesn’t make sense and fit together, it’s because it doesn’t. As I mentioned earlier, the movie was originally planned to be entirely a comedy focusing on the antics of the dwarfs. When that didn’t pan out, they decided to go 100% in the opposite direction and incorporate the evil witch from the fairytale bent on killing Snow White.

What you end up, is odd musical numbers of the dwarfs mining for gems for no reason (other than that’s what dwarfs do), alongside scenes involving Snow White being murdered and the dwarfs attending a make-shift funeral for her that they and the forest animals arrange. It really becomes pretty surreal, and I think a lot of its elements can come off as too dark for young children, while also having elements that come off as too silly for adults. It’s difficult, in this sense, to really enjoy the movie as a movie, even if it’s difficult to enjoy it as anything else.

SNOW WHITE

Snow White, as a character herself, is also a bit of a pill to swallow. It’s hard to watch her in this film and imagine she’s anything older than 12 years old. Everything from her voice, to her overwhelming childish naïvety showcases that she’s essentially a child. This is all well and good contextually with her friendship with the dwarfs (except for that the dwarfs are really 7 old men), but it becomes a bit more odd when she marries the prince at the end. It totally makes sense when she meets the prince in the beginning of the movie for her to run away when he starts serenading her out of nowhere, and it even makes sense for her to fall in love with him. It doesn’t make a lot of sense for the prince to be so predatorily engaged in winning her heart. I don’t think it’s too off-base to describe this entire aspect as creepy.

All of her songs are quaintly innocent, if not unintentionally sad. Take for example:

As you sweep the room, imagine that the broom is someone that you love.

And isn’t that just the perfect line to showcase how Disney feels about women?

THE DWARFS

As I keep mentioning, the dwarf aspect is really just inherently weird. In the Grimm version, they’re highlighted as almost mythical creatures who tolerate Snow White’s presence. They let her stay with them as long as she leaves them alone and cleans up after them. In this way, Snow White is still as much the scullery maid she was when living with the queen. In the Disney version, they’re comedic relief, and more than a little perplexing. From “Heigh-ho”:

We dig up diamonds by the score, a thousand rubies, sometimes more, but we don’t know what we dig ‘em for. We dig dig dig-a dig dig.

Okay. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be funny, or just so weird that it becomes spectacle, but there are more than enough scenes like this in the movie, where the greater viewing audience just has to sit there and watch and wait until it’s all over.

CONCLUSION

All in all, it’d be a little ridiculous to say that Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs doesn’t deserve the classic-film status it’s earned. The art and direction alone for any film of that era is impressive, let alone an animated one. The music is memorable, if not entirely weird most of the time, and it actually went a long way in promoting film soundtracks in general.

But it’s an odd and impossible mix of grim horror mixed with childish humor that’s difficult to track the entire watch through.

Snow White, as a character, sets the machine in operation that will long assist Disney in cementing itself as a producer of some of the most misogynist, archaic morals in any form of media. It strikes up the stereotype that all good women need is a handsome/wealthy man to save them, and all other women are probably witches. When you get nine old white guys in a room in the ‘30s and tell them to make a story about a young woman, maybe you shouldn’t be surprised when you get what you get. But, again, as with so many other Disney movies, maybe you shouldn’t put these films alongside the modern stock and expect that children will magically figure out what’s “a product of its time” and what isn’t.

Quick Review: “The Passion of Anna”

I decided to keep my hot streak going this week by picking another guaranteed lock: Ingmar Bergman’s The Passion of Anna (En passion.) So, obviously it’s really great, but, why?

The story focuses on four main characters, none of whom are especially relatable, following their interconnected relationships over the course of a season and delving into their personal histories. In classic late-sixties Bergman fashion, the main draw to the film is the showcase of intimate storytelling. There’s always been something hypnotic about the way Bergman features his main characters telling stories to the audience, and Passion is as good an example of this as anything else. Following the intricate lives of these four flawed individuals is highly engrossing and ultimately rewarding.

One bit that’s a tad divisive, is the tool he uses to break up the narrative. Inter-cut at different points in the film are interviews with the four lead actors describing how they interpret the characters they’re playing. Risky, right? I thought it worked surprisingly well–not only at breaking up the narrative–but giving some outside insight into the motivation behind the characters themselves. Bergman later admitted he did not think that this was done successfully, and even regretted using the technique. So, I guess it’s not for everyone, but personally I enjoyed it.

Naturally the directing achieves setting a quiet, understated tone to the film that colors everything in a light that’s both intimate and real, and it’s easy to feel involved in the characters’ world. The story itself is layered with personal introspection and universal truths about human nature, which I guess in this instance I think is more of a bonus than anything (even though it’s actually the backbone of the film). So, if you, you know, like Bergman, and you should, then you’ll like this.

Final grade: A

Quick Reviews: “Reincarnated” (2013), & “Upstream Color”

I want to try to get back into the habit about actually writing about the things I’ve watched for this ill-conceived film club, which is–beyond all natural reason–still going strong.  And I’ll be honest, a large reason for why I haven’t been too eager to keep up with it (aside from a lot of the movies being largely too uninteresting to even write about) is that I’ve been completely torn asunder by the ongoing debate on whether or not one should space twice after ending a sentence. Sure it’s not even a grammar issue, but I feel any debate that people have on the internet is too important to ignore and the best course of action is to completely shut down until everything blows over.

I think we all know which side who is on.

Apparently, though, these things tend to go on indefinitely (this debate in particular is nearing 7 decades), so I might as well bide my time by succumbing to guilt (one of my favorite pastimes) and continuing my regular reviews.

Reincarnated is a companion documentary to the 2013 Snoop Lion album of the same name. As unfortunately (but unsurprisingly) you’d be tasked to review just the movie and neither Snoop nor the album in the process, you’d be left saying “well, this isn’t really a documentary, though.” And you’d say this because it plays out much more like a bonus featurette on a DVD than a movie about anything solid enough to seem tangible. The way I put it in perspective after watching it, was that back in like, 2006, The Decemberists released a live concert DVD from one of their shows. On the DVD was an hour-long behind the scenes making of their most recent album at the time. And it was really interesting (if you’re a Decemberists fan). But I’d never, you know, call it a documentary film.

With Reincarnated, mostly it’s just a magazine editor along for a vacation in Jamaica while Snoop records his new album. Which is, you know, a lot of fun if you’re a Snoop fan, but it doesn’t extend much beyond that. There’s maybe 40% of it that’s independently interesting; personal interviews with Snoop about his past are compelling enough, but at the end of the day it just seems like a guy with a camera who’s happy to be along for the ride. In an effort to further convince the wider public that this is indeed a movie in the same way that The Thin Blue Line is, they released it theatrically in minimal release. So, you know, I’ll letter-grade it and all (but only because that’s my style).

Final grade: C.

Upstream Color on the other hand, is very much a movie (almost too much of one, some would argue). It’s the second film from upstart independent director Shane Carruth, most famous for his only other film, the 2004 concept sci-fi Primer. Much like Primer, it immediately gained an underground following and notoriety for its bold and careless style accompanied by a purposely hard to follow narrative. In Primer, the confusing structure is explained as intentional and meant to force the audience to feel as disoriented as the main characters who are traveling through time. It’s–for better or worse–effective at what it sets out to do. In Upstream, you get a lot of that same style, a bit more professionally pulled off, but also used as a device to force the audience to feel to some degree the same as the main characters. I guess it’s kind of his thing. And about 80% of the time it’s spot-on, which is nice. Upstream tends to work better, though, because it’s much more ethereal a concept, and overall more relatable than the engineering Rube Goldberg device that is Primer. It’s also much more human, and surprisingly deep.

Where Primer is a dialogue-driven exploration on the consequences of, well, essentially breaking the law, Upstream is more of an art piece. There’s much less an emphasis on dialogue, and is more of a visual experience; it becomes a study, really, on a specific event. It’s nothing if not original, even if it comes off as pretentious for a portion of it (how can it not?), and does the same job that Primer does of intentionally frustrating its audience.

Overall, though, it’s still refreshing and will generate much discussion and analysis. And while it probably deserves multiple watch-throughs, the idea on its own is praise worthy and also worthwhile to watch.

Final grade: B+

OK, well, I guess that’s all for now. The next pick for the club will be mine, and I’ve already chosen The Passion of Anna. So, good luck everybody else.

I dunno, I mean, some folks would call this gentleman a pretty capable director.

Quick Review: “Tucker & Dale vs. Evil”

So, this week’s film has the benefit of being the following act to last week’s disappointing (or, you know, downright bad) Bellflower. It’s not really fair, honestly, because whatever movie you pick, it’s probably going to be better outright. So it goes. This week’s movie was the comedic spin on the summer slasher flick, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil.

So, it’s a fun premise, and it stays true to objective throughout its entire presentation. Conceptually, it’s a “reverse slasher film”, where the annoying college kids are the killers and the backwoods hillbillies are the victims on the run, all orchestrated through a series of miscommunication. It ends up being pretty enjoyable, but if it sounds a little sitcom-y it’s because it is. Director Eli Craig’s spent some time in TV land before working on this feature, and the comedy-of-errors set up inter-spliced with underdog romance is pretty much the stuff sitcom dreams are made of, and most don’t turn out to be all that great. T&D does just fine though, often working in the upper realms of the genre, though admittedly it’s not a genre I usually find all that entertaining (see Frasier, Three’s Company, etc.)

“I swear, it will be completely platonic”

One thing this movie really has working for it is the undeniable chemistry between the two protagonists. It’s really easy to root for them, and their acting is pretty solid. And, they have some genuinely funny lines and a good sense of timing. The directing is also pretty sensible and doesn’t dip into the well of amateur student-director schlock (man, I am being really hard on Bellflower, huh?)

Overall a totally fine movie. A bit slow at points, and it’s the old comedy-of-errors formula, but at an hour and a half it doesn’t play itself out too much.

Final grade: B-

Quick Stats! For Fun!

So, I recently added my music library to Google Music so I can listen to the whole damn thing when I’m not at home, whether that be while I’m driving or while I’m at work. Or maybe I’ll be rock climbing or hiking or sailing or something. Anyway I guess I’d have to have my phone on me to access it. Maybe my sailboat has wifi.

Anyway, so it got me thinking: how did I come about discovering all these artists? Going back til when I was about 15 I guess I actively started trying to, you know, get music to listen to. So I looked through my whole archive of music going back to when I was about 15 or so and noted whether or not I personally discovered the artist for myself (via radio, or reading about them or whatever), and if not, who recommended them to me. To clarify, I don’t still listen to all the artists I’ve found since I was 15; a lot of them have fallen out of my favor, so they’re not included. These are active artists in my musical roster. So, naturally I made a pie chart with the results:

So the grand total of artists I’m actively all about is 155. Out of 155, I came about 64 of them on my own. Forty-nine of them were suggestions from my Sacramento friend Mike W, and most of those suggestions took place almost 10 years ago. Vince has only recently (as of the past year or two) started recommending me music, and already he accounts for 24 artist (15%) of my current taste. Not bad! Anthony’s got 11 in there (a lot of stuff we just discovered independently around the same time), my brother Ryan’s got 7, and I attribute a solid 5 to my mom. That’s not to say she wasn’t listening to some of this stuff before I was even born, but if she did I wasn’t influenced enough by that to attribute that artist to her. Still, 5, not bad. My wife and my friend Mike T have each contributed 1 artist (Mike T I’ve known for a couple months, my wife for 9 years).

Impromptu graph projects are my favorite kind of Thursday night projects.