Typically I don’t go too far out of my way to judge an entire movie before its release, but I’ve actually paid the price of seeing “The DaVinci Code” and have taken the time to read the complete synopsis of the “Angels & Demons” book, so I feel I’m more or less justified in saying fuck this movie. Spoilers in the next two paragraphs, box office predictions to follow.
I guess when Ron Howard and Columbia heard that Dan Brown had written a prequel to their blockbuster hit, they held an immediate board meeting. “Let us make this prequel movie!” someone at Columbia declared. “Wait, wait, but what if we make it a sequel instead?” Ron Howard asks with a sly smile on his mug. “Why on earth would we do that, Mr. Howard?” the confused old gentleman asks. “Why not? I mean, have you read the book? There’s nothing in there that makes it inherently prequel-ish aside from not acknowledging anything that happens in the DaVinci Code. Plus, Tom Hanks ages a much higher rate than any other living actor. I mean, don’t you remember him in ‘The Terminal’? That was only a couple years ago!” Howard replies. “Hm… what’s this one about again?” another board member asks. Howard takes a sip of his daiquiri and scribbles a word on the piece of paper. The board waits in comic anticipation until Howard caps his pen and holds up the piece of paper. “Antimatter? Sold.”
Works in movies, too
Seriously. What happens in this movie is that Tom Hanks discovers that the pope has been murdered by someone who is threatening to blow up Vatican City with a toothpaste tube full of antimatter. Good thing he has this camerlengo (which is like a cardinal but the catch is that he can never become pope… wait a minute… I see where this is going) Ewan McGregor to help him find the culprit. After the guy who killed the pope ritualistically kills four other cardinals (mysteriously labeling each with an ancient Greek element like fire or air or water or Hercules), Tom Hanks eventually finds out (via Illuminati!) that Ewan McGregor was behind the whole thing to convince everyone that science is indeed evil and that if all these cardinals are dead and he helped Hanks save the religion, he should become pope by the rule of he is awesome. I suppose in the movie the entire special effects budget will be wasted on candid shots of whatever Howard thinks antimatter looks like, and naturally the antimatter exploding in the sky over Vatican city while Hanks makes a make shift parachute out of glass and jumps out of a helicopter (yeah, that’s actually the climax of the book).
I guess it actually seems rather tame in comparison to the pseudo-controversy aroused in Howard’s first Dan Brown adaptation, but it’s still the same old half-assed attempt to bank in on conspiracy theories that aren’t particularly well written or based in any solid, relatable fact. I guess it should be like “The DaVinci Code” but half as exciting. Hoorah! What’s really sad that is much like “The DaVinci Code”, Catholics and hardcore Christians are probably gonna take offense at this movie, wrongly claiming that it’s anti-religion instead of rightly denouncing it for being anti-film. Thankfully, Columbia has commissioned Brown to write a third installment (seriously Dan, what have you been doing all this time?) which should be due out next year. So, if you go see “Angels & Demons”, just try to remember that while you’re sitting through every agonizing moment.
To the rescue!
Predictions:
- Angels & Demons
- Star Trek
- X-Men Origins: Rise of the Lycans
- Management
- Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
I know, I know, what the hell is “Management”, but I guess it’s a romantic comedy with Jennifer Aniston and Steve Zahn, which I assume will beat a two-week old McConaughey. We’ll see.
Wilco’s new album “Wilco (The Album)” is available to stream free off of their website, and I highly recommend you do just that. I had the opportunity to check it out yesterday, and overall I’ll probably put it on par with “Sky Blue Sky”, not only in terms of style, but in quality of songs. “Wilco (The Song)”, “You Know”, “I’ll Fight”, and “Sunny Feeling” have a very “Being There” feel to them, which is needless to say great. “Deeper Down” and “Bull Black Nova” trend more to the “Ghost is Born” style, which isn’t necessarily bad, but take more than a few listens to accept. The big surprise, at least for me, on the album was Feist’s performance duetting with Tweedy for “You and I”, which is unexpectedly subtle and stirring. Not gonna make me run out and listen to Feist, but her style easily worked for the song. “One Wing”, “Country Disappeared” and “Everlasting Everything” are songs I would categorize as being new Wilco, meaning that they are more or less incomparable to earlier albums with the possible exception of “Sky Blue Sky”, and are oddly my favorite tracks to listen to so far. I mean, it’s Wilco, so I’m gonna buy the album when it comes out June 30th, but I recommend you all check it out anyway. Click here if that sounds like you’re kinda thing.
Also, can you guys think of a worse insect or bug than the domestic cockroach? If so, let me know!
Looking up images of actual cockroaches is terrible.
See you guys after the weekend.
The Glass City 