Boldly to the Tune of $72.5 Million

I should always go with my gut. Well, I guess not always, I mean, there was a time early in the year I had the Blackhawks to win the NBA championship. My heart was in the right place, though. Actuals with guesses to the right:

1. Star Trek (1)
2. X-Men Origins (2)
3. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (4)
4. Obsessed (x)
5. 17 Again (5)

Man, why did I put so much faith in “Next Day Air”? And why has “Obsessed” grossed more to date than “17 Again” despite “17 Again” having an additional week of release? And why didn’t I hate the new Star Trek movie? Questions like these are much too tough to answer, and I appreciate you guys getting off my back about it already.

So, yeah, I didn’t hate the new Star Trek movie. Even with all its lens flares, shaky cam, tilty steady cam, and time paradoxes, I couldn’t bring myself to give it a low grade. I think what we have here is a perfect example of me giving something much more credit than it probably deserves based on a few acute elements. I think minus a few points, even with everything it changes about the Star Trek mythology, it successfully captures the feel of the original series, and amplifies it to fit a modern theatrical experience utilizing proper casting, well-handled action sequences, 70’s style cheese, and a phenomenal soundtrack. Does that sound shallow? If it does, then you probably won’t dig this movie. It’s one of those rare instances in which I’ll give a movie a good grade (B, for the record), but won’t necessarily recommend it to everyone. I think if you go into it–as I did–with very little expectations across the board, you’ll probably end up being impressed. I’d love to talk to any of you who saw it and probably end up arguing for the movie, but I’m probably going to leave the review at that. It did better than most box office predictions, and the sequel that Abrams was talking about should now be officially green-lit, so, yeah.

And THIS is an A+

In related news, the space shuttle Atlantis is finally scheduled to take off today, making its journey to the center of the sun the last write-in suggestion that NASA is likely to allow.

Slow news day otherwise, so I’ll probably have to leave you guys ’til Wednesday. I’m off to Woodfield (again, I know) to try my luck at purchasing a wedding band, although from what I hear it’s quite a trial of wit and strength. I fear I might not successfully accomplish my goal  but at the very least I’ll settle for a Wetzel Pretzel and call it a split-decision.

wait, no, this was Randhurst

Back to the Future

THE GLASS CITY NEWSGROUP PRESENTS TO YOU IN VIBRANT TECHNITONE: NEWS FROM THE GLOBE!

We begin by checking in with the tumultuous situation quickly deteriorating for our boys on the home front, our brave sons in uniform fighting the good fight against a terrible combatant whose treachery knows no bounds. Of course I am referring to the brave men (and women) featured in Hollywood’s NEW portrayal of the war, a feature that’s sure to be a hit from hep cats to cool kittens, a brand new cinema masterpiece entitled Star Trek. Fly amongst the stars as film superstar J.J. Abrams sweeps you on a killer-diller thriller, putting YOU in the captain’s chair and politely asking one-striper Kirk to hit the silk.

Go boldly where they haven't gone!

And what’s this? Why it’s America’s favorite canine chum Chanel, who celebrates her 21st birthday today. Chanel may be the world’s oldest dog, but that doesn’t stop her from painting the town with her puppies and her puppies’ puppies, as we see here the lovable mutt drinking some hard-earned bathtub gin. Watch out, Chanel, agent Ness fresh off his successful nabbing of crime great Al Capone may just have you in his unflinching sights!

Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

And a new sensation that seems to be sweeping the nation has already most likely invaded your homestead. The kids call it “blu ray”, a technology that not even futurist J.J. Abrams can rightly understand, and it doesn’t look like it will be put to bed anytime soon. Yes, here we see that even these aged Archies, surely some of them veterans of the Great War, seem to be enjoying the fantastic fad. Professor Parsons relates from the NPD that sales of the technology are up 72 percent in the last three months alone! We can only hope that President Obama can keep his hands off it while he deals with that current crisis. Careful, Mr. President, we’re watching you, too.

But what about the industry itself? With that we check in with our good friend at The Glass City board of review for his famed box office predictions. “Why, I’m never entirely certain, as understanding the box office is like understanding a Jerry’s definition of ausschreitungen, but if I may, it should go something like this:

1. Star Trek
2. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
3. Next Day Air
4. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
5. 17 Again

I may be giving the comedy features a bit too much slack,” he jokes. Will he pull it out once again? Only time will tell.

And before we go we salute our upstanding viewers, without whom the world would be a cold and empty place indeed. Long time viewer Simon Summers celebrates his 21st birthday, and the NEWSGROUP presents to him a small token of their appreciation. While he may not be as popular as the venerable Chanel, getting along in years is none the less magnificent. Congratulations, viewer! And join us EVERY week, as we deliver to you the stories that change lives.

The festivities are boisterous

This has been NEWS FROM THE GLOBE. Enjoy your film, and as always, live with dignity.